Ashes, Ashes, We All Fall Down!

Today is Ash Wednesday. I'm not a religious person, but my kids are catholic, so I've been exposed to a great deal of religious doctrine in my efforts to do right by them. My ex is catholic and wanted his children raised in the faith. It wasn't a significant issue for me, because it seemed to be important to him and I knew that I could help "interpret" the teachings. Since he made little or no effort himself to instruct them in his faith or handle any of the sacrament preparations (until my middle daughter went through confirmation after we'd separated), it turned into another thing on the Mom List.

If I may digress...and I may, 'cause it's totally my blog...when my oldest was going through preparations for her confirmation and I, ALONE, was making sure all of the required elements had been taken care of and getting appropriate clothing, etc., the director of religious education at the parish was praising me to the point of asking me if I could help with some of the other parents, and when I told her I wasn't catholic myself and had been kind of feeling my way through it, she was taken aback. And she shared with me that I had done a "phenomenal job". Much better than most of the parents who WERE catholic and knew what was supposed to be going on. And she just couldn't believe that I wasn't catholic, myself. So, apparently, while I'm not one in real life, I can play one convincingly on tv. Just one of my many talents, boys and girls. Step right up.

Now, for the uninitiated, Ash Wednesday is the kick off for the Lenten season. The forty day period leading up to Good Friday. Around our place, lent always meant that something was sacrificed (generally speaking, it was not a goat or a chicken) and meatless Fridays became a staple until Easter. Lenten sacrifices are handled pretty much the same way New Year's resolutions are. Only they have a 40 day expiration period, as opposed to a year (or lifetime) with New Years. Making sense of Catholic traditions and practices is something that I've worked on for some time and have come up short.

Even though Highlander and I are not catholic, I will be instituting the Lenten diet, for my girls. Consequently, it's tuna casserole for dinner tonight folks! Lucky for me, everybody loves my tuna casserole.

However, in keeping with the spirit of the season (and I'm stretching here...work with me), I heard the following on the radio today and thought it was somewhat appropriate. Religious humor works for Ash Wednesday, right? And it's all kind of Mom-ish (as it mocks children), so that works for me, too. Hope you guys enjoy it.


LAMENTATIONS OF THE FATHER (or Mother!)


Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room.

Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in the living room.

Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living room.

Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room.

Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein.

Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage therein you may not eat, neither may you drink.

But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you eat in the living room.

And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were.

Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.

Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away from my presence.

When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck: for you will be sent away from my presence.

When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; verily I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same before you.

Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.

And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, because we do not do that, that is why.

And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why.

Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold.....even as I have said, it has come to pass.

For as we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert.

But of the unclean plate, the laws are these:

If ye have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see,

and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see,
..........then ye shall have dessert.

But if ye eat a lesser number of peas, and yet ye eat the potatoes, still ye shall not have dessert; and if ye eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, ye shall not have dessert, no, verily I say unto you, not even a small portion thereof!

And if thou tries to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear that thou hast eaten what thou hast not, ye will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and ye shall have no dessert.

Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time.

If ye are given a plate on which two foods ye do not wish to touch each other are touching each other, and your voice rises up even unto the ceiling, while ye point to the offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say unto you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct his transgression and peace shall prevail throughout the land.

Likewise if ye receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, verily, refrain from screaming.

Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your fingers to your nose. For even as I have made the fish, and it is as it should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die.

Cast your countenance upward unto the light, and lift your eyes to the hills, that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are upon you; even to the very back of your head, ...and there is rice thereon.

.....And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner beyond comprehension!

Only hold thyself still; hold still, I say. Give unto each finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go henceforth until I have done.

Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time. Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of the bath water of any beast of the field, or any fowl of the air nor of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub your feet against cars, not against any building; nor eat sand.

Leave the cat alone, for what hath the cat done, that you should go forth and afflict it so and bindeth it with tape? And hum not the humming in your nose as I read, nor stand between the light and the book. Verily I say unto you, you will drive me to madness.........

Neither forget what I said about the uses of the tape......