The Oral Report

Standing up in front of the class was never so much fun!

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Location: River City, United States

The rantings and ravings of a mom of three wonderful girls as she finds new love while working like a dog and shaking her fist at the system. You know. Pretty much like everybody else.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

How Hot Is It?

It's hot. And not like Sam Elliott in LIFEGUARD hot, either. It's sweaty, yucky, breath-sucking, soul-stealing, not enough popsicles in the whole world, hot. And it's barely August.

I'm hardly alone complaining about the heat this week. Temperatures in the upper 90's all week here in River City, with heat indexes in the low 100's. And we've totally got the humidity thing covered, too.

All the pets and old folks should be safely stashed indoors in the temperature-controlled environment. In the meantime, a friend sent me the following. And while tempers grow shorter when temperatures go higher, I got a chuckle or two from the list. Oh, don't get me wrong, there's more than one "groaner" in the bunch. But, I thought you guys might enjoy them as well. Given the situation.


It's Soooo Hot!

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

You can make sun tea instantly.

You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

The temperature drops below 95 F (35 C) and you feel a little chilly.

You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and
end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out
and add butter, salt and pepper. and of course Sour Cream, diced
onions and a few serving spoons of Chile

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from
laying boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

You don't want to go swimming because the water is so hot you'll be braised.


If you've got a few of your own, feel free to share them. I'll be around. It's not like I'm going outside or anything. At least not until October when the weather is more conducive to human activities.


Blogger Opus P. Penguin said...

The great thing about a heat wave is that when it drops below 90, it feels WONDERFUL.

Yesterday when I stepped out of my air conditioned office for my lunchtime walk, and into a wall of heat, a line from that classic Tom Hanks movie "Volunteers" came to me.

My God, we must be a mile from the sun."

I think though, we were closer.

8/02/2006 11:52 AM  
Blogger MJ Norton said...

"sweaty, yucky..." I don't know. This still sounds like Sam Elliot to me...

8/03/2006 12:18 AM  
Blogger Your Girl Friday said...


You yanks don't know what HOT is!!!

Crikey!!! I think I'll go wrestle a crocodile!!

8/03/2006 3:14 AM  
Blogger SuperFiancee said...

Opus -

Having never seen VOLUNTEERS, I wasn't familiar with the line, but I like it!! As for the temp dropping below 90...well...I suppose October will be here before we know it!

Mike -

Don't be hatin' on Sam Elliott. Poor old thing. He used to have the stuff. Now he's playing parts as a retired Marlboro Man (THANK YOU FOR SMOKING) and it makes me weep. The fantasies from my just ain't right, I tell ya!


I checked the weather, there. It's warming up to like 60 these days. You blokes and your screwed up seasons. Snowing in the summer and blazing hot in the winter.

I guess all that Twister keeps you agile for crocodile wrestling...;)

8/03/2006 1:46 PM  
Blogger AaA said...

It's so hot...

I saw a dog chasing a cat, and both were walking. Slowly.

Iowa farmers are irrigating with chilled water to keep the Redenbachers in business.

Sam Elliott looks more like beef jerky than beef jerky does.

8/05/2006 9:48 PM  
Blogger AaA said...

Um, YGF is a sheila, not a bloke. Oh, and YGF, if you're gonna wrestle, I vote for Jello, against either me or a short list of selected wait-staff from one of the local Hooters restaraunts.

I will reluctantly settle for either oil or mud wrestling, but prefer to keep things edible.

8/05/2006 9:51 PM  
Blogger SuperFiancee said...

Nate -

You're right. I didn't mean to diss YGF.

And I'll reluctantly admit you are right about Sam as well. Take beefcake, add sun and cigarettes over 25 years, and you get beef jerky.

8/06/2006 12:19 PM  

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