Fifteen is the New Seventeen
I learned the truth at seventeen
that love was meant for beauty queens
And high school girls with clear-skinned smiles
who married young and then retired.
The valentines I never knew,
the Friday night charades of youth
Were spent on one more beautiful.
At seventeen I learned the truth.
And those of us with ravaged faces,
lacking in the social graces,
Desperately remained at home,
inventing lovers on the phone
Who called to say, "Come dance with me,"
and murmured vague obscenities.
It isnt all it seems at seventeen.
Has it really been a million years ago that I was 15? It must have been. I try to remember what I was like at 15. What I was feeling. What I was doing. And I do. Vaguely. But I don't seem to be able to step back there. And even if I could, I'm not sure how relevant the historical data would be for the mission.
I was reading Daughter #3 a bedtime story last night. And when I finished, I walked into my bedroom to find Daughter #2 sobbing and talking to Highlander. I was surprised that my drama sensor hadn't been going off, but was (as I always am) very grateful for him. Grateful that my girls can go to him when they need comfort. Very happy that I have found someone with whom they can take their problems and feel reassured that they will be helped.
She was feeling sad because she doesn't have a boyfriend. Sad to the point of crying. A lot. Thinking something must be terribly wrong with her. Upset because when boys ask her to spend time with them and then she indicates she's not interested in sex, they quickly move on...and they don't seem to have any regard for whether they trample her on the way out the door either. I'd seriously like to kick some teenaged boy ass right now, I'll tell you that. Where are these boys' mothers? And I say mothers because I don't expect men to be able to teach boys how to treat women. Women know better what women need. Mothers of sons out there, please, do womankind a favor. Teach your sons about appropriate dating behaviors. Both the happy stuff and the bad.
If memory serves, when I was a freshman/sophomore in high school, I was doing a lot of reading. Hanging out with girls in the neighborhood. Watching tv. Skating at the skating rink on Friday nights. Flirting with boys in the hallways between classes. But not dating. Not at all. And while there were definitely girls dating at that age, there was absoLUTEly no way my parents would have EVER allowed that to happen with me. I don't remember being so despondent about it, though. Maybe I was and just don't remember.
Unfortunately, as these things go, girls are "dating" at a much younger age now anyway. Anxious to get into the whole grown up world at break-neck speed. Wish they knew how many of us grown-ups would gladly go back to kiddieland given the opportunity. I'm sure watching all your friends hooking up with various boys and being one of the few who isn't, makes it an entirely different situation. Just as seeing her older sister in a healthy, loving relationship, and Highlander and I so truly, madly, deeply, has to make it worse not having someone of her very own.
We talked to her, at length, about how these things will come in time. Which, you know, for a 15 year old is about as lame as parental jargon gets. When you're 15, you don't realize that sometimes your old mom has a little wisdom tucked in there amongst "make sure you have clean underwear" and "drink plenty of water" mom-talk crap. And you certainly have no idea of all the heartbreak in your future. Those are the things I most wish I could shield her from.
Mostly we talked about what she wanted for herself and how she should set her mind towards becoming the woman she wants to be. And that, theoretically anyway, once she sets those things in motion, the boys who have similar interests or who genuinely like her for who she is (and not just because she has the biggest rack in the whole school) will find her. And that maybe, once they do, she'll find someone worthy of spending a little time with her.
I doubt that's anywhere close to the end of that. Just as I doubt that teenaged boys will ever appreciate all of the delightful qualities my tender-hearted, hysterically funny, amazingly smart beautiful daughter has. But she seemed to feel better after we'd talked. So she and I (we even let Highlander pal around with us, too...;) ate popsicles and popcorn and watched Buffy until we were falling asleep in my bed.
As hard as this stuff is to live, I realize that soon she won't need me for these things anymore. She'll be a grown up woman far too soon, and all of these memories of things like us hanging out in my bedroom and watching Buffy, will be all I have. And I can't tell you how much I already treasure them.
that love was meant for beauty queens
And high school girls with clear-skinned smiles
who married young and then retired.
The valentines I never knew,
the Friday night charades of youth
Were spent on one more beautiful.
At seventeen I learned the truth.
And those of us with ravaged faces,
lacking in the social graces,
Desperately remained at home,
inventing lovers on the phone
Who called to say, "Come dance with me,"
and murmured vague obscenities.
It isnt all it seems at seventeen.
Has it really been a million years ago that I was 15? It must have been. I try to remember what I was like at 15. What I was feeling. What I was doing. And I do. Vaguely. But I don't seem to be able to step back there. And even if I could, I'm not sure how relevant the historical data would be for the mission.
I was reading Daughter #3 a bedtime story last night. And when I finished, I walked into my bedroom to find Daughter #2 sobbing and talking to Highlander. I was surprised that my drama sensor hadn't been going off, but was (as I always am) very grateful for him. Grateful that my girls can go to him when they need comfort. Very happy that I have found someone with whom they can take their problems and feel reassured that they will be helped.
She was feeling sad because she doesn't have a boyfriend. Sad to the point of crying. A lot. Thinking something must be terribly wrong with her. Upset because when boys ask her to spend time with them and then she indicates she's not interested in sex, they quickly move on...and they don't seem to have any regard for whether they trample her on the way out the door either. I'd seriously like to kick some teenaged boy ass right now, I'll tell you that. Where are these boys' mothers? And I say mothers because I don't expect men to be able to teach boys how to treat women. Women know better what women need. Mothers of sons out there, please, do womankind a favor. Teach your sons about appropriate dating behaviors. Both the happy stuff and the bad.
If memory serves, when I was a freshman/sophomore in high school, I was doing a lot of reading. Hanging out with girls in the neighborhood. Watching tv. Skating at the skating rink on Friday nights. Flirting with boys in the hallways between classes. But not dating. Not at all. And while there were definitely girls dating at that age, there was absoLUTEly no way my parents would have EVER allowed that to happen with me. I don't remember being so despondent about it, though. Maybe I was and just don't remember.
Unfortunately, as these things go, girls are "dating" at a much younger age now anyway. Anxious to get into the whole grown up world at break-neck speed. Wish they knew how many of us grown-ups would gladly go back to kiddieland given the opportunity. I'm sure watching all your friends hooking up with various boys and being one of the few who isn't, makes it an entirely different situation. Just as seeing her older sister in a healthy, loving relationship, and Highlander and I so truly, madly, deeply, has to make it worse not having someone of her very own.
We talked to her, at length, about how these things will come in time. Which, you know, for a 15 year old is about as lame as parental jargon gets. When you're 15, you don't realize that sometimes your old mom has a little wisdom tucked in there amongst "make sure you have clean underwear" and "drink plenty of water" mom-talk crap. And you certainly have no idea of all the heartbreak in your future. Those are the things I most wish I could shield her from.
Mostly we talked about what she wanted for herself and how she should set her mind towards becoming the woman she wants to be. And that, theoretically anyway, once she sets those things in motion, the boys who have similar interests or who genuinely like her for who she is (and not just because she has the biggest rack in the whole school) will find her. And that maybe, once they do, she'll find someone worthy of spending a little time with her.
I doubt that's anywhere close to the end of that. Just as I doubt that teenaged boys will ever appreciate all of the delightful qualities my tender-hearted, hysterically funny, amazingly smart beautiful daughter has. But she seemed to feel better after we'd talked. So she and I (we even let Highlander pal around with us, too...;) ate popsicles and popcorn and watched Buffy until we were falling asleep in my bed.
As hard as this stuff is to live, I realize that soon she won't need me for these things anymore. She'll be a grown up woman far too soon, and all of these memories of things like us hanging out in my bedroom and watching Buffy, will be all I have. And I can't tell you how much I already treasure them.
posted by SuperWife | 2:40 PM
7 Comments:
wow, that is so neat. you are really lucky that your daughter feels like she can confide in you AND in your significant other. If you come up with those magic words that make her see herself for the great girl she is, let me know...i have a daughter close to the same age who has the same feelings and issues. It's so hard to realize that they won't really see what we see in them, and neither will those boys either. I really liked what you wrote about setting her mind towards becoming the woman she wants to be - I will use that with my daughter. There must be something in the air - I just had a similar tearful conversation with MY daugher. I'm not sure who the teenage years are harder on - the teens or their mothers!
Good luck!
It's difficult to see your teenage daughter cry isn't it? My daughter had a similar moment last Valentine's Day--the "what's-wrong-with-me" kinda day, where nothing helps but letting it out by crying and, if you're lucky, telling someone how you feel.
While it was hard to watch my daughter be sad over the lact of a boyfriend, now is maybe a little harder for me. She's been dating a boy for 9 months, and they are "in love." Things could be A LOT worse--at least we like him. But teenagers in love sometimes make stupid mistakes. So I try to teach her well, keep my fingers crossed, say a little prayer, and hope for the best.
Have a great day!
See, here's the problem for me. I'm a 30-something male. And single. So it's not a good idea for me to involve myself in a discussion about a teenaged girl's love life.
What I am willing to say is that she is very lucky to have a mother like you looking out for her. And also, that there's at least a shred of hope that she might meet a decent guy someday, and so far she seems to know how to handle the rest of us: with tongs and thick gloves.
She's smart, she's got you as her mom, and given the nature of her boy problems, and my meories of our meeting, she certainly counts as attractive by modern standards. Those are all points in her favor, so if she can keep that in mind, it may help her to place boys in low esteem instead of herself. Just remind her that her problem is not that she can't get a boy, her problem is that none of the ones available are worth her time.
The answer to that is not lowering her standards, it's patience. In the meantime, there's always HeroClix with Highlander.
...and that's all I have to say about that.
SuperG,
Wish I could have confided in my mother that way. You are lucky (and skillful) to have built that kind of relationship. I have teenaged nephews, but damn straight they're not going to Auntie Op for advice.. But they will talk to my husband, which is great. We don't have kids, but all of our neighbors do, and we've been here long enough that now their kids come talk to us when they need to get away from Mom. One girl, when she was around 11, came to us crying because she is short and thought boys would never like her. She's a pretty girl, and smart, and athletic, but her mother and father are both short, so...
...So husband pulled her aside and said, "Tell you a secret...most boys like short girls." And she smiled.
I do remember feeling that way, bad enough to cry because my parents wouldn't let me date when all my other friends could. And the scariest part was, I was afraid that even if I COULD date, I wasn't entirely sure anyone would want to. (Now, I know, of COURSE someone would!) But trust me, she will ALWAYS need you, even when she IS a woman, married, 40, whatever! And it looks like she knows she always can. That's GREAT. I never felt that I could go to my mom. But luckily, I can now and I still do. OH! ANd I promise, I will teach MY son how to behave himself with girls. I am a tough cookie when it comes to parenting and he already has respect for me (I think! Hope it lasts!) Unfortunately I can't guarantee anything when his male hormones hit!!
Just wanted to let you know I now have Janis Ian stuck in my head. which is actually an improvement from the Hall and Oats song I had in there earlier this week.
Just wanted to stick a quick post up here to thank everyone for their well-wishes for my girl. She's doing a little better right now and I'm hopeful that the current trend continues.
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