The Oral Report

Standing up in front of the class was never so much fun!

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Location: River City, United States

The rantings and ravings of a mom of three wonderful girls as she finds new love while working like a dog and shaking her fist at the system. You know. Pretty much like everybody else.

Friday, August 25, 2006

The 28 Rules of Manhood

I'd like it understood that I claim no authorship of the following. It was simply forwarded to me and I am reproducing it here in order to help the female readers understand what we are dealing with, and help some of you metrosexual men see the errors of your ways. Without further ado, I present...

The 28 Rules of Manhood

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

We hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.


Blogger MJ Norton said...

I'm so glad I never had anyone reading me the rulebook while growing up.

I did ejoy the "Balls" & "Guts" postscript, though. Okay, I enjoyed 10, 21, 24 and 27, too.

8/26/2006 7:12 AM  
Blogger Opus P. Penguin said...

These are hysterical. NOW I understand why guys always know what channel the game is on.

8/26/2006 3:03 PM  
Blogger Mark said...

Wow. I guess I'm not a member of this 'hood. Of course, I've always been suspect in regards to my tastes and behavior.

8/26/2006 4:27 PM  
Blogger SuperFiancee said...

Mike -

#27 had someone around here in agreement as well. I gotta admit, I thought it was pretty funny, too. But, it's EXACTLY what I'd say.

Several of the others had me grinning. "Guts" and "Balls" had me laughing out loud.

Opus -

Yeah, I hear ya! Large children, every one of them.

Mark -'re kiddin'...right?

8/26/2006 10:56 PM  
Blogger Bobby Lightfoot said...

I like it. I'm in. Except I'm too busy being dangerous and drugaddled for th' sports part.

8/28/2006 9:55 PM  
Blogger Highlander said...


Aw, come on. Get with the team and jump in for the big win. Football season is starting! Never too late to be a Tampa Bay fan. With Chris Simms throwing, Joey Galloway and Michael Clayton catching, Cadillac Williams, Michael Pittman and Mike Alstott to haul the ball upfield, we got a Super Bowl team this year. Jump on board!

Yeah, yeah, sometimes I scare me, too. ;)

8/29/2006 8:11 AM  

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