Hell-ay Confidential

I'm starting this post at 8:20 on Sunday morning. Why am I awake at 8:20 on Sunday morning? Believe me, you aren't the only one asking. Unfortunately, I have been up for an hour already today. I should be snuggled up alongside Highlander, each of us trying to outsnore the other. That is how it should be. But, no. The Hell Spawn have, once again, made their unwanted presence known on MY weekend. It reminded me that I had promised to, eventually, share some of the more colorful residents of Hell with you. (See photo above. No that's not me, Smartass!)

I should probably take a moment to explain that there are, primarily, two very distinct factions in Hell. The Gay Cabelleros and the Dangerous and Demented Drunkards. The first group, though not composed exclusively of homosexuals, is considerably larger than the second. There is also a very small number of residents that fits into neither group. Three (that's right THREE) residents who have never so much as said a cross word to me, caused me undue stress, created a problem for me, or acted in an offensive or bizarre fashion. These people, as you'd imagine, have become quite dear to me, as they are the 'normals' of Hell. An oddity of sorts.

Ironically, none of the 'normals' are there full time. Soldier Joe works at the Pentagon (and is uber-cool) and rents his condo out to a young married couple. (His tenants, btw, have aligned themselves with the gay cabelleros.) The Hills, an older couple, originally bought the condo for their son, and when he decided he didn't want it,they decided to use it as a weekend love nest. And the Carpenters have a very lucrative business in another town in the state, but have branch offices in River City. They use their condo when they are in town on business, or to have a place to stay when they enjoy some of the local attractions. If only, the normals outnumbered the problem children. ::she says wistfully::

The gentleman who woke me Sunday morning is Don. I'm not sure what Don does for a living, but Don is DEFINITELY in the Dangerous and Demented Drunkards faction. Although, I really haven't seen him doing a lot of drinking. Don's personality can be summed up fairly quickly. I believe Don is seeing a mental health care provider.

And I say "Good for him!" I haven't seen the actual paperwork, but after having had a conversation with him, in which he became upset and belligerent with me because he believed (and he was convincing with this point) that contractors were coming into his unit to make repairs, but were "poisoning" the food in his refrigerator while they were there, I was sure he needed to be seeking psychiatric help. He knew they were doing this because they hated him and were trying to get back at him because he'd been rude and belligerent to them. And he wanted our company to reimburse him for the food he had to throw out because of it being poisoned. Uh huh.

Now, I wouldn't put it past them to do something disgusting to his food. But, I honestly don't think they did. But poison? Nah. This man is whack.

Don seems to have good days and bad days. Some days he will call about a problem and be calm and agreeable and easy to deal with. Other days, a similar problem will get an entirely different reaction. He'll be ranting and raving. Threatening to get his attorney involved (for a scratch on his cabinet door) because something happened. This behavior leads me to believe that he may be seeing a mental health care provider who is prescribing medication for Don. The ebb and flow effect is familiar from my days dealing with my youngest ex-brother in law.

Don is having some difficulties getting along with Dan and Katie (Soldier Joe's renters), because Don's girlfriend likes to use the treadmill (directly across from Dan & Katie's condo) at 5AM. Don claims that because his girlfriend is waking them up (and don't get me wrong, Dan and Katie are mad as hell about it), they are deliberately dinging his car doors (they park next to each other). Tune in next week, when Dan finds out that Katie is pregnant and that it's Don's alien love child!!

First, can you believe this bullshit? Second, this is SO not my problem. But I'll tell you when it's REALLY not my problem. At 7:20 on goddam Sunday morning. So, I am on a mission to "teach" Don that I don't answer his calls during non-business hours. I would love to send him the following letter.

Dear Don,

I realize that you believe that buying your condo has entitled you to 24 hour service from our firm. However, you could not be more wrong and I feel I must explain to you, once again, why that is. We are not the company that built your condo, despite numerous conversations which should have made this abundantly clear over the past six months, wherein we introduced to the builder and have repeatedly walked him through your unit in your presence. Further, we, at Rupert and McElroy, cannot repair even one defective item in your unit. So, please call the contractors (whose numbers I am sure you have, because I have personally given them to you many, many times) if you are having a repair issue, especially an emergency, because our firm cannot help you, and you will only cause further damage by awaiting a call back from the architects instead of contacting the company that holds the warranty for your property.

In addition, we are not responsible for your neighbors. Just as we are not responsible to them because of you. Pretty much anybody who can pony up the money to live in Hell, is welcome to do so. Please don't call me when they have parked in your parking spot, dinged your car door, spoken to your girlfriend in a manner you believe inappropriate, left their shoes in the common hallway outside their unit, put out a doormat that you find unattractive, or even flung dog poop at your front door. It's simply not our problem. Walk across the hall and have a talk with them. Perhaps, if everyone behaves as an adult, you'll be able to work it out. I wish you the best and suggest you take your meds before doing so. If this doesn't work, call the police. And please don't call me and ask me to call them for you.

You should also be advised that we cannot stop the rain, sun, snow, hail, or even the rocket's red glare. So, please do not call me and ask me to do so, even during regular business hours. Which brings me to my main point. I am available during normal business hours. My bosses, the owners of this firm, have given you their cell phone numbers and their home numbers, and if you have some emergency that you feel must be addressed by our firm and cannot wait until normal business hours, please call them. Short of that, you may rest assured that I will NEVER be available for your after hours calls. Never. Not one time. I mean it. Further, you are only delaying your petty wants/needs by dialing my number.

Please understand that this is a business relationship. I am not your friend or your mother or your babysitter. And I never will be. I am not in charge of watering your plants, picking up your mail while you are out of town, meeting delivery people, or changing the goldfish water. We are not the "apartment managers" from your old place. You don't get those services here. I hope this helps clarify some misunderstandings between us and that we won't have to discuss these issues in the future.

...but mostly what I do is ignore his calls until I get into the office.