A Monday by Any Other Name...

Today was my first day back to work since my minor outpatient surgery last Wednesday. It wasn't a bad plan, honestly, but there were a few noticeable snags. Perhaps because it's Monday. But, whatcha gonna do?

I sleep on my stomach. I don't know what that means about my personality. I don't really care. But during the last few months of each of my previous pregnancies, and after the birth of my last (by c-section), it was unbearable not to be able to sleep on my stomach. I have been, since Wednesday, wrestling around the bed, night after night, with any number of pillows, trying to find the magical secondary position that will take me to Slumbertown. It's just not working. I've come close a few times. And, not ironically, a little medication before retiring, makes me slightly more open to new positions. Just file all of that in the Too Much Information file.

So, this morning, I was more than a little sleepy when the alarm clock went off at 5AM. Which may, or may not, have contributed to the nausea I was feeling. After I threw up, I felt a little better, but was still moving slowly and still slightly sore from the surgery. And don't forget, sleepy. So, I headed out to work. I had decided to forego any pain meds before driving to work for obvious safety reasons, but they were on my mind.

I hadn't been in the office since Tuesday and went in and sat through our weekly Monday morning production meeting. All the updates, etc. Back to my office (and finally a pain pill) and I started going through voicemail and email messages. Nothing too critical, but a few things that needed my attention today. I had asked, at the production meeting, about some contracts I'd typed on Tuesday going out, apparently, they were put in the mail on Friday and hadn't gone out yet. I went to make sure the mailings were accurate and, of course, they were not, standard documents that are supposed to go out with the contracts hadn't been included, multiple signature copies hadn't been included, etc. (Sometimes you wonder how these people did this before you got there, you know?) Anyway, I'm working on this stuff and my cellphone rings.

It was my youngest daughter's school. Apparently, she was complaining that her stomach hurt and she was running a fever of 100. I checked my watch. 9:27. Well, that's a full day all right. I had to go get her. But she hadn't been ill the night before and had been fine that morning before school. I knew I had mediation at 2:00PM (that I'd rescheduled from Thursday, because I was SERIOUSLY dreaming to think I could have done that the day after the surgery I had), so I called my dad (who is retired) and asked him if he was busy today. He said he needed to get some groceries and check on one of my uncles (my mom's younger brother, who goes on binges from time to time). No one had heard from him in a few weeks and he was going to run by his apartment and check on him. This happens every few months. No biggie. But all of that could be done before 1:30 and he could come and stay with my little bit while I was at mediation. Great.

So, I headed out and picked her up. Brought her home and checked her temp. Hmmm, 98. And she wanted to watch tv and said she was hungry. I got her some jello, thinking if her stomach was upset, that might be something easy on it. As soon as she was finished, she wanted something else. I held her off for about 45 minutes and then made some chicken noodle soup which she devoured most ravenously. Heh. The only thing that kid had was a bad case of "Monday".

My dad showed up at 1:15 (a little early) and said he was going to take my daughter with him. He was going to pick my mom up early from work to let her know that he'd found my uncle dead when he went to check in on him this morning.

This isn't just any Monday, you know. It's a Mega Monday!

No idea on the cause of death yet. He had any number of medical problems, including some cancer. So, I think they've all decided that was it.

Anyway, off they went. And shortly thereafter, I headed to my two hour mediation, which netted pretty much exactly what I expected it to. Nothing. My very darling daughters have become rather disenchanted with their father and have asked me to make some modifications to the current custody schedule. Modifications which their father adamently opposes.

So my attorney and I sat across from my ex and his, with an overpriced mediator at the head of the table. And we talked about where my kids were going to live. We had hoped, during the two hour session, to come to a resolution that would work for all of us and avoid going to court. He resolutely refuses to let the kids live with me full time. And, the only reason in the world I can see for it, is finances. I am not trying to minimize that. But, I don't understand why his children aren't higher on his list. Well, I do. He's always been incredibly selfish. But the damage he's doing to them is killing me.

Follow this, if you can, and explain to me his reasoning. Come on. I defy any of you to do it.

Round #1 - The kids and I propose a schedule that has them at his house every other weekend, with a week night sleepover each week they are with me. He doesn't like that. Not enough time with him.

Round #2 - He proposes having the kids for one full week each month, with an additional weekend during the three week period they are with me. I'm not crazy about it. But I have already talked to the kids about this option (which he emailed me over the previous weekend), and they HATE it. They say seven days in the month is PLENTY.

Round #3 - We come back with one full week each month with him and no additional days. He squeals that "it's too long to go without seeing him." No judge is going to allow three weeks without seeing his kids. For the record, we agree. That's why we suggested what we did in Round #1. Grrr!!!

Round #4 - We come back with one full week each month and one evening each of the three weeks they are with me. I suggested Tuesday nights, since my youngest will be, I assume, starting religion classes in the fall and they are on Tuesday night. We proposed that he could get them when he got off from work and have them until bedtime. It would be a matter of about three hours, but enough time for dinner and to do something together. His response. Not enough time.

Yeah, it was getting pretty old by now and I was trying to keep my skates quiet under the conference room table. But it was getting harder.

Ding!

Round #5 - He came back with one full week with him, three weeks with me. Except that his week was 11 days long. I should have agreed, as long as he could actually PRODUCE an 11 day week. But he was looking for a Thursday, that ran through the weekend, the following week, and until the Sunday following that. But, did not, in any way, address the lengthy (now 2 1/2 week) period that the kids would be with me and not see him. It was becoming maddening. We were trying to work out issues he had and then he just kept changing the issues. Our response? Well, we talked about doing a Friday evening (cutting off the Thursday) to the Sunday he wanted, but having them come back early in the day. But, I was fretting. Feeling I was selling out the kids and that it wasn't going to be what they wanted. And we just didn't understand, at all, how this remotely addressed the issue with the lengthy period he would go without seeing them.

I looked at my watch and my attorney said, "Do you want to call your kids and see how they feel about it?". I had made everyone aware that I was speaking for them as they had no legal voice and didn't feel comfortable "selling them out". So, when I called them and explained the negotiations, explained that all of this could be settled in the next few weeks if they wanted it (as opposed to...what I learned might be...a YEAR), and asked them how they felt about it, they were stronger than ever in their convictions. They Refuse To Be Under His Inappropriately Controlling And Manipulative Thumb. And they're getting damned mad about it, too.

So our reponse to the mediator, at the end of Round #5, was No Deal. We had offered two options and the kids were more important to me. I am not going to let them down. If we need to go to court and let the Judge hear how upset they are, all the problems they are having with him...if he wants to put them, all of us, through that, I guess that's where this goes next.

The mediator offered that perhaps he wasn't hearing the same thing from the kids that I was. And asked if I thought it would be productive to have my two oldest daughters sit down with both me and their father and discuss this. I offered that my apartment was five minutes from the mediator's office and the kids were home now. Let's go. My ex, was not as enthusiastic and indicated that he would like to set it up for tomorrow at 6PM, and specifically wanted me to know that (1) no girlfriends or boyfriends (or Highlanders for those of you who didn't catch that) were to participate in the discussion and (2) while the children's wishes should be considered, the decision was ultimately that of the adults and that everyone should remember that.

Ah, that's right. Now, he's finally getting closer to saying he doesn't care what they think. I've been trying to get him to say it (as it's so clear that's how he feels) for a week. But he won't. I'm not sure how things will go tomorrow.

Here are a couple notes, though. My oldest daughter, upon bringing her up to speed with how things went today, is saying that she does not want to go back when it's her next rotation with her dad. She does not want to go back again. Period. Helpful?

I've tried to explain to him, that he's doing serious and irreparable damage to his relationship with his NEARLY ADULT daughters. By insisting on disregarding how they feel in this, and attempting to force them to spend time with him when he is not as adept at parenting, makes hurtful and inappropriate decisions regarding their privacy, social lives, and the level of respect that he shows them, and makes it clear that their opinions and feelings are insignificant to him, they are already counting the days until they don't have to go back.

They have both indicated that once they are legal, he is pushing them to the point where they will no longer want to have ANY relationship with him. I've talked to him before about this. About what he is doing and how he needs to handle this differently. He says he feels that when the girls look back at this, years later, they would feel worse if he hadn't fought to keep them. If, he just let them go without a second thought would be worse. And while I completely understand that argument, really I do, I think there are so many better ways to accomplish what he wants to accomplish without risking losing them forever. And he simply will not listen to me about it.

I know he has spoken with my middle daughter's therapist about it (she's seeing the therapist about several issues, one of which is the custody thing), and my oldest daughter said she had spoken to his girlfriend about it. So, I have to assume he's gotten feedback from her that should be something he regards. Even his normally bad judgment wouldn't have him making such tragic mistakes. The only answer I can figure out is finances. And apparently, he feels strongly enough about it, to throw away his relationships with them. Or at least to risk it.

And that's just sad. I've played go between for them for 16 months now and I'm continuing to try to help them have a better relationship. He just doesn't see that he has to do any of the work in making that a reality.

Rather than go on and on infinitum (which I could and you all know I would), I'll just say that we'll see how things go tomorrow evening.

In the meantime, I really hope I can work a full day tomorrow. I'll bet my bosses do, too. Yay, Tuesday!!