The Oral Report

Standing up in front of the class was never so much fun!

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Location: River City, United States

The rantings and ravings of a mom of three wonderful girls as she finds new love while working like a dog and shaking her fist at the system. You know. Pretty much like everybody else.

Monday, April 17, 2006

They're HERE!!

River City is spiffing up this week. As if the weather wasn't doing enough itself, with the dogwoods, redbuds and azaleas blooming everywhere and all the trees and lawns greening up nicely. But today, when I got back from a brief foray into 'Hell', I noticed the sidewalk sweepers doing their thing around our building, and the "No Parking Saturday" signs on all the meters on Main Street.

Saturday kicks off the Derby Festival season and you can feel it in the air already. We're washing our faces and running a comb through our hair. Dusting and putting out the company dishes before everyone gets here. By Saturday, this town will be the cleanest it gets all year. And it will pretty well stay that way for the next two weeks.

The Kentucky Derby takes two minutes (120 seconds) to run. And for this 120 seconds of sporting history, we do two weeks worth (1,209,600 seconds) of partying. What's that, like 2-3 hours of partying per second of race.

It's the biggest influx of cash into our community all year, so we will host every nonsensical event leading up to the annual horse race that we (and by we, I mean, a lot of politicians and community leaders who aren't me) can think of.

I don't say this like it's a bad thing. I, like most of the locals, go to a few events and ignore most of the rest. (Except for the clogged traffic. We'll gripe like crazy...see upcoming blog posts!) But, we're pleased as punch for all you out-of-towners to come spend your money here. It vastly improves the quality of our life the other 50 weeks of the year. And, hey, it's kinda fun for two weeks.

Every year, we're overrun not only with the regular people, but with celebrities. Imported for various events, but also because the beautiful people love to congregate on Millionaire's Row and they can throw down the green, too. There are news stories and local reporters interviewing the celebs who are in town. Here are some celebs who've attended previous Derby's. None of whom I've ever so much as seen.

Angelina was here two years ago. There were some random Brad sightings, but they weren't here together "publicly".

Ms. Judd is a perennial favorite. A Kentucky native, she frequently attends the festivities.

This pair was spotted here together several years ago and then he showed up solo about two years ago. And got into a knock-down drag-out with...

Everybody's favorite Hoochie Mama. Big news when she flat turned down his invitation to party with him, and it turned into a thing. ::yawn::

And this guy's been through here, too.

In fact, over the last thirty years that I've lived in River City, I've missed running into John Wayne, Ed Asner, William Shatner, Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson, Demi Moore, Drew Barrymore, Orlando Bloom, Colin Ferrell, Tom Cruise, John Travolta, and...well...I could probably go all day.

Now, granted, I don't hang out in the lobbies of the better hotels, waiting to see celebs. I've just way more to do with my life than that. And I don't attend the black tie galas. But, wouldn't it follow that I'd run into somebody. Anybody. Over the last thirty years?

I mean, I don't want to form a lifelong bond, but I'd dig shouting "Hey" to Bill Murray over the gas pumps at the BP station one morning.

Or seeing Holly Hunter picking up some pepsi at the grocery store on her way to some gala and letting her know I love her work.

Hell, I'd even settle for running into Melissa Etheridge on the street as she's picking up some baseball bats for her kids.

I don't really lose sleep over this crap. I don't have a great deal of respect for most celebrities. It's just that, somehow, I feel cheated not getting to ever see them when they're right here.

In my own town, for Pete's sake!

And, gang, here we go again.

Two weeks of celebrities.

But it's not like I'll ever see one of them.


Blogger Highlander said...

I saw Kurtwood Smith last year. I even blogged about it. But I was too... whatever... to walk up to him and tell him how much I liked his portrayal of psychopath gang leader Clarence Boddicker in ROBOCOP. I wish I had, though. He might have found it to be nice change from all those people talking about THAT 70'S SHOW.

4/17/2006 7:55 PM  
Blogger SuperFiancee said...

Yeah, exactly my point. You're in town like...what...fifteen minutes and you're already seeing celebs? Thirty years. Nobody.

4/17/2006 9:32 PM  
Blogger Carmichael said...

i'm with you, s.g....i never see anyone either!
still, i think all the events are favs are the balloon glow and thunder, but only if the weather is decent!

4/17/2006 11:09 PM  
Blogger Julia said...

I'm not much on celebrities. That may come from my stint as a room service waitress in a casino. I've served lots of celebrities, most I wouldn't want to know, judging by their behavior (and how they tip).

I don't think I could walk up to someone in a supermarket and say "hey" or anything. I would feel like I was invading their privacy.

My favorite celeb story was told by Mary Lou Retton. She was shopping and saw some women staring at her. Thinking they were fans she started over toward them, only to hear one say, "She looks like Mary Lou, only fatter."

4/18/2006 6:46 AM  
Anonymous L.C. said...

Hey your post reminds me of when the Olympics were in Atlanta. It was all kind of exciting, especially when the Norwegian (I think) cycling team was practicing in my neighborhood. But the traffic--argh. That got old.

Have a great week!

4/18/2006 9:30 AM  
Blogger Opus P. Penguin said...

SG - reminds me a little of here. There are no really big events, but living in the Woodstock area, the hills are rife with rumors about who just moved in, who was seen doing what. Karl Lagerfeld, Natalie Merchant, Bill Murray, a bunch of other celebs. My ex-boss, who lives in Woodstock and always seems to be just in the right place, used to run into Uma Thurmond, like, every other day. In yoga class. Buying coffee. Then she left what's-his-name and took up with some other rich guy and bought Bob Guccione's house across the river and now I heard it's splitsville with them too. Maybe she'll move back. Also, ex-boss's contractor said that Brad and Jen (when they were) hired him to build a pool for their (secret) house in Woodstock. And she ran into Howard Stern when she was out jogging.

And I never see anyone!

4/18/2006 12:05 PM  
Blogger FindingHeart said...

Oh, I could stand meeting Ms Judd. She's a cutie. But as much fun as it is to see them, I think every once in a while about being on the other side. If everytime I went outside in my pj's, some fool would snap my photo for the rag-of-the-week. Nope, wave and smile, and then I move on.

Enjoy your weather, we're pushing 98 degrees and hating it! Grrrr. and thanks for dropping by!

4/18/2006 1:01 PM  

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