The Oral Report

Standing up in front of the class was never so much fun!

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Location: River City, United States

The rantings and ravings of a mom of three wonderful girls as she finds new love while working like a dog and shaking her fist at the system. You know. Pretty much like everybody else.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

A Day Made Especially For Mothers

As I'm waiting up for [Kid 1] to return home from prom, and since I had a few links I'd been wanting to share, I thought I'd throw together a little Mother's Day post for you guys. Do with them what you will. The links, that is, not your mothers.

It's probably important to determine, before you start bitching because you didn't get a gift, whether or not you are eligible. I've included a quick test to help you figure it out.

How To Know Whether Or Not You Are Ready To Be A Mother

Mess Test:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains.
Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test:
Obtain a 55 gallon drum of LEGOs (if LEGOs are not available, you may (substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

Grocery Store Test:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus (they turn bright red when they are unhappy). Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

Feeding Test:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 a.m. Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

Physical Test
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove ten of the beans.

Final Assignment
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

Official papers in hand, you are now eager to bask in the full glory of the holiday, huh? If you aim to go with a more traditional holiday, there are always outings. Places to go to share interesting things with your kids. Or you could just stay home and watch a little tv with them, or even spend time baking some cupcakes or cookies together. After all, it's more about spending quality time with each other and less about what you get, right?

But, if you DO go in for Mother's Day presents, there are a few gifts you should never give mom for Mother's Day. Cards, however, especially video cards, are always a thoughtful gesture. And while you have the video camera at the ready, don't forget that home movies of your tot always make a really creative gift that will be treasured for a lifetime. (I could totally see Tony Collett doing something like this!) Maybe you're a mom who doesn't go in for the mainstream fare (be careful, that link may be NSFW) when it comes to gifts. But that's okay. There are as many kinds of mama's as there are babies that we shouldn't let grow up to be cowboys. Thankfully, I say.

So, however you spend your Mother's Day, and whatever gifts you may get, have a good one and try to remember that your little ones are what it's all about. As, my "little one" has just come home and I want to visit with her, just a little, before she drifts off to sleep, I'll just send my wishes for a wonderful Mother's Day to all of you and hope that something here made you smile or scratch your head.


Anonymous The Always esteemed Scott said...

And a happy Mom's day to you SG - I hope your kids (and Highlander) spoil you rotten today; you deserve it.

5/14/2006 12:09 PM  
Blogger SuperFiancee said...

Thanks, Scott. They totally are!! My boy got up with my youngest this morning, thus allowing me to sleep in. The kids have all pitched in around the house and it's all orderly and clean (which makes me feel good). I got some funny and some lovely cards, some smell goods, some flower seeds, a free session at Glamour Shots, some fat free pasta salads (that H knows I like from the deli at the grocery) and some gorgeous and wonderfully aromatic lillies that are currently making my living room smell divine!! We just got back from a family dinner at one of my favorite restaurants (the kids have never been before, because it's a little costly) that was scrumptuous!! Which was on the heels of playing some board games with the kids and H. All in all, a pretty fine Mother's Day, indeed.

5/14/2006 6:19 PM  
Blogger Your Girl Friday said...

Happy Mother's Day Tammy!!
I hope it was brilliant!

5/15/2006 2:23 AM  
Blogger Spider Girl said...


And 100% true.

Only a parent can truly appreciate this post. I laughed out loud, thanks!

5/15/2006 11:29 AM  
Anonymous The always esteemed Scott said...


Sounds like a great day all around. Glad to hear it. I knew I could count on H to be good to you. :)

5/15/2006 12:50 PM  
Blogger SuperFiancee said...


Thanks! It was a very nice day!

Spider Girl -

Wish I could take credit for it, but the parent test was in a forward I got the other day and the rest is basically links. Glad to pass it along, though.

Scott -

It's nice to know I can count on him for that, too. And I can. And I do. And it's a good thing.

5/15/2006 3:33 PM  
Anonymous L.C. said...

Happy Mother's Day. Hope your day was fab : )

5/15/2006 4:44 PM  
Blogger SuperFiancee said...

Thanks, LC. I hope yours was extra special, too!

5/15/2006 4:47 PM  

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