Skating Through The Feces

It's been a while since I've put my skates on. And you all know I don't like to. Obviously, the rest of the world (especially my ex-husband) thinks I look pretty damn fine in them. So, let's share a little, shall we?

For someone who loves Scrabble and Scene It! and Scattergories, I hates me some game-playing. As I've said in the past, I don't like lacing up my skates, but if I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it. And, Baby, I'm gonna do it today.

Now, I'm not directing this at anyone in particular, I just want to spout off today. I've been doing some reflecting about yet another thing in my life that blew a tire recently. And I've come to some conclusions, which may, or may not, be of any value to anyone else. But, for personal reasons, I need to get some of this off my chest.

#1) Being in a bad marriage is like eating a bowl of shit. Every day, you take a bite. Some days, you take two or three. You always, assume, that at some point, you will have argued about, and hopefully resolved, each and every problem that you could have ever come across in your relationship.

You are wrong. You are dreaming. The bowl of shit will never be empty. It takes some people a long time to figure that out. It took me about five years (and Highlander says I'm really smart...ha!).

Sadly, you will continue to eat your daily ration of shit until you come to that realization that the bowl will never be empty, and then you get the bright idea that getting a divorce is the way to escape the eating of the shit.

Alas,

#2) Getting a divorce is like sitting down at the all you can eat shit buffet. You pay your fee (directly to someone in the legal profession, usually) and then you tie the napkin around your neck and dig right in. When you've had all you can take, you go home. And you might get a few days that are shit-free. But, sooner or later, you'll be back filling your belly again.

And again.

And again.

It's not as if you actually WANT to go to the shit buffet. Often it's more likely that someone else (usually, your ex)...I don't even want to say 'invites' you, because that's not the right word...insists on your appearance and picks you up at the front door, straps you into his/her vehicle, and deposits you directly into a chair beside the buffet. Often, regaling you with the full menu all the way there. You even get the full advantage of the aroma from your ring-side seat.

Entirely too many times, you bring unwitting, innocently bystanding, guests to the shit buffet with you. Sometimes, people who have, knowingly, signed on for such duty (like Highlander, in my own case). Sometimes, people who have not (like all of you, in my own case).

I gravely dislike feeling as if I've been a party to involving my friends directly in my seemly divorce crap. It's one thing to talk about it and feel supported. It's something else all together, to feel you are responsible for the people you care about being sucked into the, as Mike Norton put it, Soap Opera.

And that's what it becomes.

Most people think about how their divorce will affect themselves...and their ex's...and their children (if that applies), before they decide to proceed with it. Or they suck it up and opt for a clean spoon. Most people do NOT think about how the drama is DESTINED to spill over outside of the cocoon that was your family.

But it does.

And it will.

Guaranteed.

In fact, it will spill in ways and in places you could have never possibly imagined. And I don't care how imaginative you think you are.

I don't believe that would have changed my mind when I was thinking about how I wanted to proceed in my own case. But, it is something I would have liked to have thought out more ahead of time. I mean, is it worse to eat from a bowl of shit every day or go to the shit buffet for an all-you-can-eat a couple times a week? I guess everyone has to figure that out for themselves. Obviously, neither option is appealing.

However, one thing to remember is that going to the shit buffet is bad enough. Taking the people you care about with you...well while I always like having company, the reality is that it makes it worse, instead of better. Because no one wants to see their friends and family have to eat shit because THEY decided to go for the shit buffet.

I've emailed those of you who I felt deserved a more personal apology. And I'm hoping each of you accepts that apology. I don't feel I need to elaborate any further here. It would only likely worsen the situation instead of better it. And no one in my reality (or otherwise) needs that.

Let's just say that I'm trying, harder, to keep my shit together.