The Oral Report

Standing up in front of the class was never so much fun!

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Location: River City, United States

The rantings and ravings of a mom of three wonderful girls as she finds new love while working like a dog and shaking her fist at the system. You know. Pretty much like everybody else.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Skating Through The Feces

It's been a while since I've put my skates on. And you all know I don't like to. Obviously, the rest of the world (especially my ex-husband) thinks I look pretty damn fine in them. So, let's share a little, shall we?

For someone who loves Scrabble and Scene It! and Scattergories, I hates me some game-playing. As I've said in the past, I don't like lacing up my skates, but if I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it. And, Baby, I'm gonna do it today.

Now, I'm not directing this at anyone in particular, I just want to spout off today. I've been doing some reflecting about yet another thing in my life that blew a tire recently. And I've come to some conclusions, which may, or may not, be of any value to anyone else. But, for personal reasons, I need to get some of this off my chest.

#1) Being in a bad marriage is like eating a bowl of shit. Every day, you take a bite. Some days, you take two or three. You always, assume, that at some point, you will have argued about, and hopefully resolved, each and every problem that you could have ever come across in your relationship.

You are wrong. You are dreaming. The bowl of shit will never be empty. It takes some people a long time to figure that out. It took me about five years (and Highlander says I'm really smart...ha!).

Sadly, you will continue to eat your daily ration of shit until you come to that realization that the bowl will never be empty, and then you get the bright idea that getting a divorce is the way to escape the eating of the shit.


#2) Getting a divorce is like sitting down at the all you can eat shit buffet. You pay your fee (directly to someone in the legal profession, usually) and then you tie the napkin around your neck and dig right in. When you've had all you can take, you go home. And you might get a few days that are shit-free. But, sooner or later, you'll be back filling your belly again.

And again.

And again.

It's not as if you actually WANT to go to the shit buffet. Often it's more likely that someone else (usually, your ex)...I don't even want to say 'invites' you, because that's not the right word...insists on your appearance and picks you up at the front door, straps you into his/her vehicle, and deposits you directly into a chair beside the buffet. Often, regaling you with the full menu all the way there. You even get the full advantage of the aroma from your ring-side seat.

Entirely too many times, you bring unwitting, innocently bystanding, guests to the shit buffet with you. Sometimes, people who have, knowingly, signed on for such duty (like Highlander, in my own case). Sometimes, people who have not (like all of you, in my own case).

I gravely dislike feeling as if I've been a party to involving my friends directly in my seemly divorce crap. It's one thing to talk about it and feel supported. It's something else all together, to feel you are responsible for the people you care about being sucked into the, as Mike Norton put it, Soap Opera.

And that's what it becomes.

Most people think about how their divorce will affect themselves...and their ex's...and their children (if that applies), before they decide to proceed with it. Or they suck it up and opt for a clean spoon. Most people do NOT think about how the drama is DESTINED to spill over outside of the cocoon that was your family.

But it does.

And it will.


In fact, it will spill in ways and in places you could have never possibly imagined. And I don't care how imaginative you think you are.

I don't believe that would have changed my mind when I was thinking about how I wanted to proceed in my own case. But, it is something I would have liked to have thought out more ahead of time. I mean, is it worse to eat from a bowl of shit every day or go to the shit buffet for an all-you-can-eat a couple times a week? I guess everyone has to figure that out for themselves. Obviously, neither option is appealing.

However, one thing to remember is that going to the shit buffet is bad enough. Taking the people you care about with you...well while I always like having company, the reality is that it makes it worse, instead of better. Because no one wants to see their friends and family have to eat shit because THEY decided to go for the shit buffet.

I've emailed those of you who I felt deserved a more personal apology. And I'm hoping each of you accepts that apology. I don't feel I need to elaborate any further here. It would only likely worsen the situation instead of better it. And no one in my reality (or otherwise) needs that.

Let's just say that I'm trying, harder, to keep my shit together.


Blogger T. said...

Well, now I have a horrible mental image of eating shit. Thank God I don't have that kind of marriage. You really put it in perspective.

5/03/2006 12:23 PM  
Blogger Highlander said...


Maybe your best post yet. And don't worry; we really don't eat all that much shit. And the rest of the menu is fabulous. So don't sweat it.

I love you!

5/03/2006 1:18 PM  
Blogger MJ Norton said...

Hey, I can take a vicarious swing by the shit buffet if need be. Just don't ask me to go to the movies with you picky people! ;)

5/03/2006 3:31 PM  
Blogger Your Girl Friday said...

Great post Tammy as always.
I'm sure all of the people around you, admire you for your strength and the fact the you are a rockin chick!

Being knee deep in shit is only temporary and I'm certain you are worth the wait.

Your post reminds me how 'Divorce Parties' are becoming as popular as engagement parties. I've attended one myself... bizarre, but definetley worth it for the divorcee :)

5/03/2006 8:16 PM  
Blogger FindingHeart said...

You know, there are some cultures that eat their own shit. There is supposed to be about 20% of the usable nutrients that actually pass through and can be re-consumed. Mmmm. Why did I add that? For starters, I just wanted to be gross and sound like Cliff Clavin. :) However, I think it is important to realize that, although we knowingly may be eating shit, there are circumstances where we don't really digest what we need out of it and have to re-consume it. I guess you could put ketchup on it first, but reflecting on what was missed and disecting that is often useful. (Damn, wished I could have used shit references in the analogies I used with 5th graders! :)

You are probably right about not asking my family to eat my shit. (Dumb Arse drivers in morning traffic can eat my shit for sure!!) My shit is my shit alone. My family will have to deal with my breath and how it may look on me. But hopefully, if my shit is out there for the family to see and we respect each other, hopefully my shit can be dealt with without flinging it on bystanders like monkeys at the zoo. Reflection, communication, accepting-tion.

Please, you don't need to apologize to me or any other bystander. It may be uncomfortable to look at other people's shit, but according to my kid's book, 'Everybody poops." We all have shit. Friends, even anonymous blogging friends, should be able to respect that shit happens and support you however you need. Looks like Highlander loves you despite the shit. You sound like good people so don't sweat it, sister.

Oops, my shit got verbose here. sorry, but this was fun! :)

5/04/2006 1:25 AM  
Blogger AaA said...

Quite honestly, your shit tastes better than mine...and at least it started out in a much better place.

5/05/2006 12:28 AM  

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