The Oral Report

Standing up in front of the class was never so much fun!

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Location: River City, United States

The rantings and ravings of a mom of three wonderful girls as she finds new love while working like a dog and shaking her fist at the system. You know. Pretty much like everybody else.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Easier Said Than Done

Even though I have this post on Global Warming that I'd like to finish up and post SOMETIME before the earth actually starts smoking, this morning I've been prompted to rant about something else entirely. And while, somebody probably should be saying sphygmomanometer (thanks, Nate) here. I'm not. And neither are any of you.

I'm clearing the air on this...AGAIN. And I'm hoping this will be the last time I have to do this (perhaps I should email it to all the interested parties...hmmm, there's an idea) and that people who feel obligated to read my blog and take the TRUTH out on my children (and me) can finally "move on". Something I'm accused of being unable to do...well, at least the "move on" part.

Though Highlander and I have been friends, good friends, starting in November of 2003, we did not become a romantic item until after my FINAL split. My ex likes to use, as an excuse as to why I would leave such a wonderful (though verbally and emotionally abusive and drug-addicted) man who has a psychotic family whose more and more frequent episodes (Please see previous blog posts) were deeply impacting our own family, the drummed up charge that I had this grand plan to leave him and embark on a relationship with Highlander, thus proving that he's not to blame for the failure of his marriage. And that is simply not true. Most all of it, in fact.

The majority of you reading this already know the whole story. Some newbies won't. You may not care. The older gang may not either. Lord knows my ex (who feels it is his God-given right to read my blog) won't believe it anyway. And as to his current squeeze, well, believe it or not, it's the truth.

FACT: Difficulties with my marriage had been brewing for years. (The last bout starting in January/February of 2000, when I caught him in a significant lie.) Long before November of 2003.

FACT: When I "met" Highlander (and Mike Norton, Mark Gibson, Tony Collett and Nate Clark...which all happened around the same time), I advised my (then) hubby and asked if he had a problem with me being friends with these people. Hardly something someone with a grand plan for romance would do. Thereafter, I would frequently discuss with both him and kids, various things that Highlander (and/or the others) had told me or that were going on in their lives. One of my favorites (which still cracks me up) was when Highlander was sick with a cold and Mike Norton remarked, based on a comment H had on his blog about chicken boullion cubes and orange juice, that there must be some strange alchemy involved with turning boullion cubes into orange juice. I've butchered it badly, but it still cracks me up. It cracked my ex up as well when I shared it. I was friends with all of these people.

FACT: Highlander wasn't the only single guy on the internet I had befriended. I'm pretty sure that Nate and I never had any plans to get busy. Not that I didn't have the same opportunities that I had with Highlander. I don't know Nate. Maybe we DID have a relationship and I have just buried it. Hell, maybe I had something going on with the married guys, too. You know you all want me. Heh.

FACT: If I had a plan to leave, why, after having been separated in June/July of 2004, would I have, in August of 2004, agreed to a reconciliation, thereby delaying/derailing my plan? Perhaps, because I genuinely believed that he would do the things he promised me he would do to correct problems in our marriage? Yup. Did he? Nope. In November, I could avoid the truth of the situation no more. He was who he was and making our marriage work was not a priority for him.

FACT: Highlander encouraged the reconciliation. Hardly the act of someone who was trying to get with me. And, in fact, during (much later) discussions, when I asked him, if he had romantic designs on me, he (in the most classy move I've ever seen) advised me that that was a discussion we were not in a position to have. That I was a married woman and that any decisions I was likely to make should not be influenced by thoughts of something with him. He wanted to see me happy and hoped that I wouldn't have to split my family up to achieve it. He was (and has always been) a very good friend.

FACT: During numerous sessions of marriage counselling (which was not the was the THIRD time we'd attempted this), he never once brought up any issues he had with any friendships I had. In fact, he never brought up one problem he had with me. Every session was working out problems he brought to the marriage. And every session, our counselor would ask him what issues he had and he would always say the same thing. "None." And, again, why would I have even attempted marriage counselling if I hadn't want to save the marriage anyway. In fact, I was the one who suggested it. (He declined and then changed his mind.) Clearly, I was trying to move into another relationship. Uh huh.

FACT: Despite the tens of thousands of dollars that my ex spent on illegal drugs, as well as the small fortune spent on his "hobbies", he became furious with me for sending a few boxes to Highlander (my friend) with goodies inside. Knowing that I often gifted people things and that I rarely, if ever, spent money on myself, I found this quite insulting. However, even as upset as he was about this, it happened before the reconciliation. So, obviously, any issues he had with my friendship with Highlander were not particularly disturbing to him.

FACT: So much so, that he (literally) got on his knees and begged me to stay when I told him I was leaving. At that time, Highlander's name was not mentioned once. It was VERY clear that the problems were his drug addiction and the impact of all the nonsense going on with his family, as well as how I was being treated. It's only after he has to deal with those things, that he begins looking for "other" reasons. Reasons he can live with. Reasons that will allow him to sleep nights after having lost a woman who was not only good to him, but good for him, and his children.

FACT: From November of 2004 until April of 2005, I dated two different guys locally. Highlander knew about them at the time and knows who they are. My ex knew about them at the time. My girls actually met one of them. Doesn't make much sense if I was in love with someone else that I'd be starting new romances.

FACT: After I was separated and living in my own place, I continued to correspond with Highlander (as well as, mostly, Mike Norton and Nate Clark...and even Steve Tice to some degree) about my life. All of them were wonderful friends. Each of them offered me similar advice. "Do what was best for my kids." And I made my decisions, based, primarily, on what I thought was the best course...but what my friends, as well as family members who had witnessed the long-term problems firsthand, advised me as well.

FACT: Once Highlander and I began to move our friendship to another level, we talked about him coming to River City and checking things out. Neither of us wanted to try to attempt a long distance relationship and, given my situation, I wasn't in a position to move. We had hoped that he would be visiting in April of 2005. To see if he liked the city and if he had an interest in moving here. However, when things in Highlander's world (primarily regarding his employment) began to blow up (shortly before the scheduled visit), we talked about how that might impact any plans we had, at that point, established. He told me that he had nothing keeping him in Florida and that based on my descriptions alone, he was willing to make the move...sight unseen. This moved things up rather dramatically. As we'd, tenatively planned for the visit in April, and then, if things went well, that he'd move here probably in the fall. This was going to move things up at least six months.

FACT: When this happened, because I knew that my ex would "assume" (and we ALL know what that does) that there had been something going on all along, I called him and invited him to lunch. I wanted to talk to him about what was getting ready to happen. He was very obviously tickled that I'd invited him and may have believed that it was an indication of us getting back together. That could be why when I told him that I'd invited him because I wanted him to hear from me that Highlander was moving to River City and that we intended to start a relationship, he blew a gasket. I'm not sure, though. I thought, given his previous suspicions and because I loved him and because he was the father of my children, that I owed him the respect to tell him to his face. I also felt that I had no reason to sneak around and keep it from him.

Now confronted with all of those facts, what does my ex do? Well, he discounts all of them. Entirely. And he tells his family, his various girlfriends and fuck buddies and, oh yeah, even our children, of his belief that I have been planning this grand romance with Highlander from long before my split. I have no idea how his various GF/FB's took the news. But, my guess is that they believe him. Most of them have no history with his inability to take responsibility for his own mistakes, or his willingness to lie to get what he wants. His family, even knowing some history there, probably believes him. They are, after all, his family. The fact that none of them make any effort to speak to me would testify to that. My kids? They laughed in his face. They know better. And, as far as I'm concerned, I don't CARE about the rest.

Why this post today? Well, because...and buckle up, gang, the road's gonna get pretty curvy...Highlander called my ex a 'tool' on his blog recently. The fact that he's behaving in a reprehensible manner to me and his kids, well, that may or may not make him a tool, I'm not the authority. I will admit that it IS (and I do admit that) in direct violation of a gentleman's agreement that he and Highlander had.

There appears to be, however, some disagreement on exactly what that gentleman's agreement was. It was my understanding that he'd work on trying to get along (ie: allowing Highlander on his property, in his house, come into our house, actually speak to him) if Highlander would stop using derogatory terms about him on his private weblog. We all felt this was somewhat ridiculous, as someone's private weblog shouldn't have to be censored. After all, it's easy enough to avoid reading something you don't want to read. You simply don't go there. But as more and more of his girlfriends kept finding the site (most of them directed by him) and seeing bad things written about him, I can only assume it became harder and harder for him to avoid dealing with the consequences of having to explain why Highlander was writing those things about him.

In any event, he told me this morning, that he believed that the agreement was for him to "keep quiet" about how he felt our (mine and Highlander's) relationship started. Wow. Well, miscommunication is definitely a buzzword when it comes to my ex, but, why in the world, after he's already told anyone I would have any care in the world of knowing about it, would that be of any concern to me? I can't believe he thought I had "bought" his silence on spreading vicious lies. And why would he not remember that he would not walk into my home because Highlander "might" be there and that things had changed now?

His girlfriend wrote on HER PRIVATE WEBLOG that I was being nasty to my ex (and that Highlander was, too) several weeks ago. This in response to me expressing outrage (I am so tempted to post the entire email exchange so you can see how in my rights I am, but you people don't need that) to my ex for what he was putting my kids through with all this custody crap. Ironically, crap that she herself is upset with her ex for putting her own kids through and doesn't see the parallels. Sad.

But, apparently, because he feels that Highlander has broken the "gentleman's agreement", he was letting me know that all bets are off and he intends (make that threatened) to start publicizing this story again. (Not that I believe he's ever stopped. But that wasn't the agreement anyway. It was, actually, an effort to get along in the best interest of the kids.)

I don't know. I hate looking at a MINIMUM of 12 more years of this crap. The bottom line is this, though. I can't stop him from making up stuff about me. I can't force him to look at the facts and realize that he's made a wrong assumption and that maybe, just maybe, I left him because our marriage counselor, my family, HIS family, my friends and even our children saw what a bad deal I was getting. And you know what, I don't care anymore. It's not about him and me. I have moved on. I did it a long time ago. It's about raising my kids and trying to keep their father from further damaging them and maybe, just MAYBE, helping them build some kind of relationship with a man they now have as little respect for as I do...which is just one more thing I tried to help him, unsuccessfully, avoid. But for him to continue to propogate these MYTHS is only gonna tear at what little chance he has there, too.

And maybe, just MAYBE, he'll see how foolish he is to spread more lies to make himself look better and MOVE ON WITH HIS OWN LIFE. Own what you've done and act like it. But from what I've seen...ever, that's unlikely.

Whew...I feel much better. Thanks for letting me rant. And I PROMISE, you won't hear this story again. I'm done explaining it. If he feels he HAS to read my blog (or Highlanders) he should respect that it's a place we come to speak our minds and vent our feelings. I give him that much respect. He definitely doesn't reciprocate. Even after my recent drama with a former commenter who shall remain nameless, she said she wouldn't be back to my blog (I didn't ban her) because she "recognizes that everyone deserves to have a private place to vent" and that you shouldn't have to censor what you say there. My ex, vehemently disagrees. If it's on the internet, it's public domain. Plain and simple.

Lastly, I don't like feeling as if I need to apologize for falling in love with someone who has never done anything but be good to me. And I won't. Highlander has been loving and supportive to me and my daughters in a way that my husband never was (and that may be why he takes issue with this). That speaks volumes for why I'd want to be with him. And even though I didn't know it would end up this way when I left my ex, I am not responsible for the misperceptions that he continues to have about the situation.


Blogger Opus P. Penguin said...

Augghhh! Augghhh! Auggghhh! Christ.

Above comment is not intended to be any complaint about your story. You can vent (and are entitled to vent) until your fingers fall off.

I'm just bemoaning the crap this shitstorm rains over what should be a beautiful new experience.

You DESERVE to be happy, for God's sake, and so does Highlander, and I HOPE you all can get past this and get on with your lives and loves.

You do NOT need to apologize for falling in love. ESPECIALLY with someone who's been so good to you and your girls.

If ex doesn't like it he doesn't have to read.

Just my opinion.

5/18/2006 5:30 PM  
Blogger AaA said...

Lol, yeah, sorry I had to break it off, but I was a little uncomfortable carrying on with a married woman. (Editor's Note: this is sarcasm. sar - KASM. It's a word, look it up.)

If 'tool' is the worst thing anyone ever calls your ex on the internet, he should be grateful.

12 years. It's not nearly as long as it sounds. 3 Olympiads. I'd say 3 presidents, but we're never going to have another president, I'm predicting Martial Law in 2008 or early 2009.

Hey, with luck, we may be air pollution long before 12 years pass.

5/19/2006 12:49 AM  
Blogger SuperFiancee said...

Opus -

Maybe he thinks he'll run Highlander off by showing him what living in a shitstorm is like. But that doesn't take into account the many, many days that the shitstorm is raining elsewhere and Highlander and I and the girls have this wonderfully idyllic existence.

I appreciate your comment, and, for what it's worth, couldn't agree more. Most of the time, we ignore it. Until we can't, that is.

Nate -

You just gotta keep breaking my heart, don't you?

I'm pretty sure he was called what he was called in context of rudely mocking something in my home, but that doesn't factor in. He can be rude and inconsiderate and we should just embrace it. It's my own shortcomings that prevent this.

As for advice on how to look at the lengthy period of interaction in front of me,, I guess. I seem to have forgotten all about my ex, in lieu of worrying about all kinds of other things.

Oh, and sphygmomanometer to you!

5/19/2006 6:44 AM  

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