And The Rockets Red Glare

The Fourth of July has been, and likely will continue to be, an oddly emotional day for me. For many, many years it was, for me, not only a symbol of America's declaration of its independence, it was (somewhat ironically) the anniversary of the day I lost my own. My wedding anniversary. I find I cannot disassociate the day so easily. More evidence, I suppose, of how I've never been one to turn my emotions on and off with a switch.

In 1987, Independence Day fell on a Saturday and it was, with some coincidence, that my ex and I elected to marry on that day. I didn't do anything as tacky as a patriotic wedding theme. Though, that may have been what all the guests anticipated. To me it had been simply a sweltering summer Saturday...that happened to be a national holiday.

I suppose, though, after so many years, the date has taken on overtones of more than cookouts and fireworks in my life. Getting back to a time when it will only mean the things associated with the holiday may take a little time. Likely it will always hold a little pang of failure for me.

My childhood memories include a July 4th picnic in New York state, with everyone wearing windbreakers to ward off the chilly weather, and of holding lit sparklers and waving them around (spelling our names with the sparks against the night sky) as the older kids lit Roman candles and firecrackers. Those were happy times, too.

Moving forward, moving on with one's life is easier when what you are leaving behind is painful. Independence Day has generally been a happy association for me. Making new memories, new traditions, is bound to be a step in the right direction.

This year, Highlander and I plan to grill some steaks and corn on the cob, and ice down a few bottles of Orange Crush (ah...the nectar of the Gods since they've reclaimed their original recipe) along with [Kid 1] and her significant other. Afterwards, we'll all go watch a local fireworks display. Not anything terribly exciting, I know, but it should be a good day filled with excellent company and some traditional festivities of the holiday.

Please don't mistake my sentimentality as me pining away for my ex-husband. I do not. I am in a much better place now than I have ever been. I am loved and respected in a way I could have never imagined. It's just that the Fourth of July has a little place in my heart. Tucked away back there with a few other happy memories of my ex. Unlike the rest of those, though, this memory will come back, every year, and give me a little tug.

I'm hoping that all of you have a wonderful day tomorrow and that it is filled with happy moments that you will tuck away in the scrapbook of memories you hold in your hearts.