The Oral Report

Standing up in front of the class was never so much fun!

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Location: River City, United States

The rantings and ravings of a mom of three wonderful girls as she finds new love while working like a dog and shaking her fist at the system. You know. Pretty much like everybody else.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

What Have You Got In Your Drawers?

While driving in to work one day last week, I heard an interesting discussion between the DJ's on one of our local radio stations. Granted, that should have been where this ended, as an interesting discussion between morning DJ's is miraculous enough. However, it started me thinking. (Which, might have been the next place that this should have ended.) An unfortunate situation, I realize.

Their topic had stemmed from the unexpected and very sudden death of a mutual friend and the rather "unusual" items found in this friend's home after his death. They talked about what would be found in each of their own homes if the same were to happen, suddenly, to them. This, of course, prompted me to think about a similar circumstance.

I'm about the farthest thing from a private person that there is, however, there are a few things in my home that I would rather weren't found by a few people, any of which could be the people going through my belongings after such a demise. Not many, but a few.

My mother would have a much worse issue with cleanliness. Not necessarily at my house, but in general. It would just...well...kill her to think that people would see her clutter or find dust bunnies under the beds. Genetics being what they are, to a lesser degree, I'd be bothered by that, too. Though, since I'm dead in this scenario, probably a MUCH lesser degree.

There are probably a few 'adult' items that I'd rather my mother or my children didn't find. No whips, minimal chains, and the turkey slapping dvd's are already gone.

Couples have kind of an unwritten code on this stuff, I think. But, single people should be thinking about this. And preparing. Perhaps a buddy system. Someone with whom you trust the map to all the private items that need to be whisked away under cover of darkness, prior to the more public scrutinization of your life and habits. If the couples spend a great deal of time together, they may need a back up here as well. (An ill-timed car accident could get you and your appointee.) And, for God's sake, be SURE that the person is actually dead. It would really SUCK to have a near death experience, wake out of a 2 month coma, and find that your best friend got rid of all your stuff.

Here's a little list that may be a helpful guide to what you need to address on this mission:

1) Purge the computer. I mean erase everything. If you can't purge it, kill the damned thing. With the life insurance proceeds, you will be able to buy another one.

2) Burn any incriminating photos and/or old letters (like the one where you discussed that bank heist from 1992).

3) While it's something that I do not, personally, have to deal, bag up and remove any and all drug paraphernalia and illegal drugs. Be sure to check the medicine cabinet and bathroom cupboard to remove any potentially embarrassing items like Viagra, that case of hemoroid ointment, and the million other things that are going through your heads right now. Make a list of what you want gone. Leave nothing to chance.

4) Get rid of the Jackie Collins' novel and the Milli Vanilli CD and the many, many back issues of Big Uns, and replace them with Thelonious Monk and some National Geographic and Rolling Stone and a copy of The Great Big Book of Tomorrow.

5) And, speaking of Big Uns, it's probably a good idea to cancel that subscription right away, along with any others with more shock value than Better Homes and Gardens. Nobody wants their mother picking up mail for them and getting the indisputable proof that her baby boy was a letch.

6) The adult themed novelty items that you thought were cute, you know, the boobie cake pan and the batch of penis pretzels you just made. They've got to go. All of them.

7) And I hope you paid cash for that stuff. Otherwise, you're gonna have credit card receipts lying around, and a monthly statement on the way. Do you really want your mother to know you bought sperm earrings for your girlfriend? Okay, it could be worse, I guess. She could think you bought them for yourself. So, pay cash for this stuff and if you're on the clean-up end of the equation, get the mailing addresses on the credit card statements changed asap.

8) Liquor. Okay, so you don't think you're a drunk. Fine. Maybe you're not. But, after you're dead, it's all gonna be pretty subjective. And if you've got a pretty well stocked bar, well...maybe it's best to approach from a perspective of free liquor to whomever does this project for you. Remind them to bring their pick up truck to haul it off. Best, that they wait to start drinking it until they're done with the clean-up, though. Finding a passed out drunk in your apartment may not be the college-years flashback you want to share with your family.

Now, I'll admit there are a few things around my place that I'm hoping Highlander would get rid of in the event of my untimely demise.

No, I will not list them here.

Likewise, I do not expect any of you to spill. I'm just saying that you may want to think about this Before your sister opens a drawer and finds bomb making kits and a map to DC. Capeesh?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

As usual your blog is like a wicked delight. I just came from buying a biscuit and an order of red beans and rice. To top it off with your blog is icing on the 10 o'clock at night cake! LOL
Ok, I really don't look at anything online that I shouldn't, but my blog would be something to hide...I don't have questionable movies, but W left some behind...I had a vibrator years ago that I recently found (I thought I had accidently sold it in the garage sale in an old sleeping bag!!) and it was rusted out...not a personal buy of mine, but given to me...hmmm, I really AM boring!!

7/05/2006 11:19 PM  
Blogger SuperFiancee said...

Good Lord, Woman! You've been MIA for months!! I'm delighted to see you here again!

Even if I'm only a side item...;)

7/05/2006 11:39 PM  
Blogger Highlander said...

Excellent post, baby.

And yes, I'm happy to sanitize the apartment for you, if need be, although I imagine I'll be a wreck if it should come to that and not in shape to think coherently. I guess you'd be in a similar condition were I to predecease you. Nonetheless, if either of us are still around when the other kicks, I imagine nobody is going to be going through our stuff without the other there to monitor, so that's okay. It's only if we both go at once that we need to worry... and honestly, if I'm dead and you're dead, I don't much care what those left alive suddenly discover about me. And you're about the only person I'd trust with a detailed list of stuff I'd rather my executors didn't come across, anyway. So, you know... let's try not to die any time soon, okay? ;)

7/06/2006 6:01 AM  
Blogger AaA said...

Ya know, I thought this was a mighty fine idea when I saw it on The Man Show, and I still do.

But man, when I think of all the shit that has to be spirited away and burned... not a job for the faint of heart! And my hard drive TOTALLY needs to die with me...

Er-, I mean, I have no idea what you are going on about.

7/06/2006 11:50 PM  
Blogger Your Girl Friday said...

Yeah... what he said.

I would tottaly die if anyone cleaned out my drawers. Luckily I'd already be dead.

7/07/2006 1:17 AM  
Blogger Mark said...

Wow. All of this brings back some funny memories of my oldest brother's death... We hadn't spoken for years and I was not fond of the man. Somehow, I became the person responsible for his funeral and belongings. When my wife and I went to clean out his apartment, my other brother tagged along. We found vast numbers of bras, falsies and magazines/catalogs such as Bosom Buddies. My brother could not handle the idea that our brother must have enjoyed wearing such gear... he freaked and had nothing more to do with the process. I, on the other hand, still find it absolutely hilarious whenever I think of him and his boobs.

7/07/2006 7:57 AM  
Blogger SuperFiancee said...

H -

I plan to delay putting you through the task of 'sanitizing' as long as I possibly can. And, yes, I appreciate your offer to delay putting me through it as well.

Nate -

The Man Show? Yeah, that sounds like something they'd do. I'm not gonna worry too much about the independent discovery, though. I've recently read that 'originality is for suckers'.

As for your computer, there's probably a frat house somewhere that would appreciate the donation...


Not you. You're just a child. I'd be SHOCKED if I hadn't read some things on your blog recently...

Mark -

Okay, you simply can't start a comment with "All of this brings back some funny memories of my oldest brother's death". That said, your example is EXACTLY the kind of thing that I'm talking about. Thanks for illustrating it so well.

7/07/2006 8:47 AM  
Blogger Opus P. Penguin said...

Holy crap. Do I EVER have some work to do. Just a note: if someone finds the Anime wig, rubber bracelets and fake boobs, it was just a Halloween costume. I swear. Or if we go together, it was Husband's. Yeah. That's it.

7/07/2006 10:48 AM  

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