What Have You Got In Your Drawers?

While driving in to work one day last week, I heard an interesting discussion between the DJ's on one of our local radio stations. Granted, that should have been where this ended, as an interesting discussion between morning DJ's is miraculous enough. However, it started me thinking. (Which, might have been the next place that this should have ended.) An unfortunate situation, I realize.

Their topic had stemmed from the unexpected and very sudden death of a mutual friend and the rather "unusual" items found in this friend's home after his death. They talked about what would be found in each of their own homes if the same were to happen, suddenly, to them. This, of course, prompted me to think about a similar circumstance.

I'm about the farthest thing from a private person that there is, however, there are a few things in my home that I would rather weren't found by a few people, any of which could be the people going through my belongings after such a demise. Not many, but a few.

My mother would have a much worse issue with cleanliness. Not necessarily at my house, but in general. It would just...well...kill her to think that people would see her clutter or find dust bunnies under the beds. Genetics being what they are, to a lesser degree, I'd be bothered by that, too. Though, since I'm dead in this scenario, probably a MUCH lesser degree.

There are probably a few 'adult' items that I'd rather my mother or my children didn't find. No whips, minimal chains, and the turkey slapping dvd's are already gone.

Couples have kind of an unwritten code on this stuff, I think. But, single people should be thinking about this. And preparing. Perhaps a buddy system. Someone with whom you trust the map to all the private items that need to be whisked away under cover of darkness, prior to the more public scrutinization of your life and habits. If the couples spend a great deal of time together, they may need a back up here as well. (An ill-timed car accident could get you and your appointee.) And, for God's sake, be SURE that the person is actually dead. It would really SUCK to have a near death experience, wake out of a 2 month coma, and find that your best friend got rid of all your stuff.

Here's a little list that may be a helpful guide to what you need to address on this mission:

1) Purge the computer. I mean erase everything. If you can't purge it, kill the damned thing. With the life insurance proceeds, you will be able to buy another one.

2) Burn any incriminating photos and/or old letters (like the one where you discussed that bank heist from 1992).

3) While it's something that I do not, personally, have to deal, bag up and remove any and all drug paraphernalia and illegal drugs. Be sure to check the medicine cabinet and bathroom cupboard to remove any potentially embarrassing items like Viagra, that case of hemoroid ointment, and the million other things that are going through your heads right now. Make a list of what you want gone. Leave nothing to chance.

4) Get rid of the Jackie Collins' novel and the Milli Vanilli CD and the many, many back issues of Big Uns, and replace them with Thelonious Monk and some National Geographic and Rolling Stone and a copy of The Great Big Book of Tomorrow.

5) And, speaking of Big Uns, it's probably a good idea to cancel that subscription right away, along with any others with more shock value than Better Homes and Gardens. Nobody wants their mother picking up mail for them and getting the indisputable proof that her baby boy was a letch.

6) The adult themed novelty items that you thought were cute, you know, the boobie cake pan and the batch of penis pretzels you just made. They've got to go. All of them.

7) And I hope you paid cash for that stuff. Otherwise, you're gonna have credit card receipts lying around, and a monthly statement on the way. Do you really want your mother to know you bought sperm earrings for your girlfriend? Okay, it could be worse, I guess. She could think you bought them for yourself. So, pay cash for this stuff and if you're on the clean-up end of the equation, get the mailing addresses on the credit card statements changed asap.

8) Liquor. Okay, so you don't think you're a drunk. Fine. Maybe you're not. But, after you're dead, it's all gonna be pretty subjective. And if you've got a pretty well stocked bar, well...maybe it's best to approach from a perspective of free liquor to whomever does this project for you. Remind them to bring their pick up truck to haul it off. Best, that they wait to start drinking it until they're done with the clean-up, though. Finding a passed out drunk in your apartment may not be the college-years flashback you want to share with your family.

Now, I'll admit there are a few things around my place that I'm hoping Highlander would get rid of in the event of my untimely demise.

No, I will not list them here.

Likewise, I do not expect any of you to spill. I'm just saying that you may want to think about this stuff...now. Before your sister opens a drawer and finds bomb making kits and a map to DC. Capeesh?