Five Things That 40+ Years of Living Have Taught Me

I want to preface this post by saying that my list, in no way, should be a guideline or representation of how anyone else in the entire universe (or beyond) should be living their lives. These are merely observations and lessons that have gotten me through the bad times and to the good times. They are my personal reflections.

1) Money doesn't buy happiness.

I know we've all heard it so many times it seems almost mythical. However. I see you all lining up to argue with me. And really, you shouldn't line up like that, you make yourselves targets that are entirely too easy to hit. But I will give you this much. Money can allow you to have things that will bring you some happiness. It will also help alleviate stress. And not that those aren't very important points, but happiness is far more than that. Happiness is learning to live with you...the whole you...without relying on anyone else to validate you. And accepting that person...warts and all...as valuable. Happiness is loving and being loved. Preferably, by the same person. Having someone working to make your life better (less stressful) and doing the same for them, gives you a great feeling of self-worth.

Personally, I've never had huge sums of money. I've had enough. Usually. I've been in situations, when I was much younger, where my (then) boyfriend and I would sell our plasma to get gas money. And I've been in a situation where, literally, all of my bills were paid off (car, credit cards, everything) and I had a few thousand squirrelled away in the bank. I didn't seem to derive any more happiness from the latter times than I did the former. In addition, having worked a four year stint as a personal assistant to a multi-millionaire, where my biggest task was keeping this man on a $125,000 PER MONTH budget (and fought him to do so), I can tell you that he wasn't happy. And he had plenty.

Love yourself. Find someone who can appreciate that and love you for it...and that you love back. The rest is all extra. But value your own personal happiness. Without it, everything else is handicapped.

2) Working for things builds character.

My parents didn't pay for my college tuition. Not any part of it. They probably would have, had they been in a position to do so. So...while they encouraged me, that was about all they could do. I bought my first car (and every one since then) myself. I've never received an inheritance. Figuring out how to get the things I needed was an invaluable tool for a great many things in my life.

I happen to believe a great many young people today are being ill-served by well-meaning parents. A want to give one's children better than what one, themselves, had is (unintentionally) short-sighted. By not allowing children to learn the lessons of saving and thrift, working hard for something you want badly, you are turning them out into a world where they will be unprepared to fend for themselves. I'm a fairly generous person. And it's only by sheer strength of will that I insist that my children contribute to these types of things. It's important to me to know, on some level, that I've done everything I can to raise human beings who can survive in the world we currently live in. To do less would be a disservice to them. And I love them far too much to do that. Independence comes only due to a variety of learned skills. Each of them are important to the success of that mission.

3) Think before acting or opening your mouth.

Some hurts never go away. Never. No matter how many times or ways that you apologize. The pain will lessen, but the guilt for causing it will simmer, just under the surface, forever. Of course, this is not true for sociopaths or others suffering from a variety of mental health issues, but for most sentient beings, we dislike hurting others. And for people who can take responsibility for their actions, guilt is a reasonable response to hurting another person.

It's not a lesson that has come easily to me. I've been known to have a short fuse and an ever ready arsenal of ammo at the ready. I will say that I try, very hard, not to get in that position. Like most, I was a victim of immaturity. As I overcame that, I tried, very hard, to remember what a dangerous weapon I had. Keeping it holstered is much easier now than it was then. Not that I don't still occasionally shoot myself in the foot. I do.

Anytime you can avoid unnecessarily hurting another person, it's worth the effort.

4) Making someone else feel better will make you feel better.

The joy that you can get by doing something nice for someone else is difficult to measure. It validates you as a good person. Which increases your self-worth. Which boosts your overall morale. Which makes you feel good...about yourself and your contributions. Whether it's throwing a dollar in a Salvation Army bucket, bringing a coat or a blanket to a homeless person on a cold night, or cutting your neighbors grass, doing something for someone else, and knowing that it will give someone else a good day or week or month or life is an immeasurable high.

My ex is catholic and while that has it's good points and bad points for me, one thing that has been a very good thing is the preparation that is required prior to accepting the sacrament of Confirmation. Our local diocese requires a certain amount of community service (which has to be recorded) before you can be accepted into the church. The requirement for both of my older two girls was five different volunteer projects. And because this was something I could get behind, I looked for a variety of things that we could do together. Things that would make both of us feel better. We did things like helping paint a mural at a center for troubled teens, sending holiday cards to AIDS shut-ins whose families had all but abandoned them, making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and delivering them to a homeless shelter, and volunteering at a nursing home to read mail to residents and, on occasion, paint fingernails. Instilling in my girls the notion that helping others makes you feel better about yourself was a great thing for me as both a mother and a human being on this planet. Watching them feel better about themselves as they gave something back was just icing.

5) Sometimes you have to be the bad guy.

Okay, you've tried every other option and can't get things done. I'm not saying you should disregard everything above. What I am saying is that there are people in this world who will only respond to a more direct approach. It doesn't necessarily mean you have to be rude or hurtful. And, depending on the importance of what you're fighting for, it may require assembling a posse and committing to the long haul. If you believe in what you are fighting for don't waiver. Don't stammer. Don't yield. Standing your ground may not win you every battle...or even every war...but people will reevaluate how strongly they feel about the opposing position when they see how serious you are about yours.

That said, this is not a card to be thrown out casually when the circumstances don't merit it. And those are lines you, yourself, will have to draw. Corporate America delaying much needed, oft-promised, funds that your family needs to survive...Definitely raise some hell. Internet trolls who have nothing better to do but talk trash...not worth the effort.

Okay, now I gotta go play a little. I suppose keeping a little time, from time to time, to do something that you truly enjoy doing would be #6...but who's keeping score?