I Am The Innocent One

Quit Laughing.

I mean it.

I'm trying to be serious here.

I got some good news today. But I have to back up to Friday and share something that I wasn't sure I wanted to, before I can share that. In fact, I may have to back up a little more than that. Ooh, or I could do that cool flashback effect whenever I need to. Nah, probably not. That stuff never works for me.


Last Friday, I had an appointment with my ob/gyn. I'd been having some problems over the last couple years and I'd finally decided to take the next step. The one I'd been avoiding. But, well, without getting graphic, I was getting damned tired of the impact this stuff was putting on my day to day life. So, I needed to go in, have the talk, and schedule some outpatient surgery. For anyone who is remotely interested, we're talking about a thermal ablasion (and I'm throwing in a tubal ligation, since they're giving me a deal on multiple procedures...okay, the deal part is a joke...doctors never have specials).

So, we chatted about options (which we've done to death before). She actually suggested an IUD. I told her I was, unfortunately, old enough to remember Copper 7's and there was NO WAY IN HELL, I wanted an IUD. Scary shit. For those too young to remember the stories, and any men who haven't run shrieking, here's a little info.

But, I had gone there intending to schedule surgery. And it would have been difficult, even as much as I hate surgery, to have swayed me from that mission.

So, my doctor started working up the pre-op paperwork and listened to my lungs and my heart. Except. Wait, she wanted to listen again. Something wasn't quite right.

Dr. Reed: You have a pretty significant heart murmur. Did you know that?

Me: Um, no. How significant?

Dr. Reed: Well, significant enough that I don't want to schedule your surgery until you talk to a cardiologist. I'll have Susan schedule an appointment for you.

Now, I've had high blood pressure issues since my last little one was born. A side effect of a dangerous pregnancy. Not exactly what I'd call a badge of honor. More of a reminder. But, my blood pressure had been 118/78 during this visit. Which is rocking down the block for me. In fact, I wanted to dance a little jig until she dropped that murmur thing in my lap.

Susan scheduled an appointment with the cardiologist. For Tuesday morning. Early. And, being who I am, I worried.

Alot.

Friday afternoon, I let my mind wander through all kinds of open heart surgeries. About how it would affect work, the kids, and my darling boy. About the physical pain. About spending time in the hospital. And I was scared. Damned scared. And more than a little weepy.

Of course, Darren spoiled me rotten for the ENTIRE weekend. Waiting on me hand and foot. Doing everything humanly possible to cheer me up and/or distract me from what was looming. Baby, you are the best and I love you very, very much.

I also owe Mike Norton a special thank you. Helping me not worry so much. But taking care of a little project or two for me as well.

Anyway, I made it through. And since my appointment was early enough, Highlander went with. Holding my hand while the sonogram technician bruised my ribs and suffocated me. Whispering that he loved me while the nurse did the EKG. Very scary for me. Very scary for him, too. And I know that. Oh, and by the way, despite being scared to death, my blood pressure was a respectable 119/83. Just saying.

When I'd asked my ob/gyn what could have caused a murmur to show up all of a sudden, at my age. She said it could be a few things, but the only one that she suggested was severe anemia. And given the problems I'd been having, it was a possibility. The thought that maybe I could reverse a heart defect by bumping up my iron levels, was the dream I had been clinging to all weekend.

But I got luckier than that.

At the time my youngest was born, wee babe that she was, we saw a pediatric cardiologist for the first year or so. She had, what was termed, an innocent murmur. Basically, an extra noise. But the heart was healthy and no repairs were needed.

When I got the same news about myself today, I was relieved, ecstatic and grateful. Apparently, about 90% of children have them. Often going undetected and many times outgrown by adulthood. However, there are about 20% of adults with an innocent murmur. And I was delighted, today, to join those ranks. It could have been so much worse.

So, I'm walking on sunshine right now. And in about six weeks, I'll be looking at some surgery that should make my life a little easier. Not looking forward to the surgery itself, but it will be much better afterwards. And...well...today, anyway, it's all about being lucky.

And innocent. It's confirmed.