The Oral Report

Standing up in front of the class was never so much fun!

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Location: River City, United States

The rantings and ravings of a mom of three wonderful girls as she finds new love while working like a dog and shaking her fist at the system. You know. Pretty much like everybody else.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Why Doesn't Anybody TELL Me These Things???

Dear Complaint Department Manager:

Recently, some information has come to my attention, which might have been most beneficial had it been received in a more timely manner. Certainly, in as much as it may have affected various decision-making options. While I'm not sure to whom I should tender my complaints, I'd like to make you aware that I never got the manual. Consequently, it's no wonder that I'm in the situation I now find myself. After looking over the job requirements, it's clear that I never had a chance. Further, it's clear that future attempts, on my part, at any re-employment of this nature, though better informed, will be equally as futile.

I'd like to note that mine was NOT a same sex marriage, and therefore, should have been better supported by local, state and federal government agencies. Also, upon somewhat exhaustive research efforts, I have been unable to locate even one party, holding the position, that meets the job requirements. Is there an educational institution somewhere, perhaps Stepford, where one might become better acquainted with these behaviors? I'm not asking for myself, as I am, most assuredly, already a lost cause in this department.

Worse. According to the colorful anecdote, I'm WAY too tall to be the "perfect girlfriend" either.

Woe. Yes, woe is definitely me.

Whatever shall become of me? A society I have participated in all of my life will shun me. Strangers will cast their spittle upon me. Decent people will avert their eyes as they pass by.

Perhaps Canadians would be more socially tolerant and welcoming of my substantial shortcomings. I already like their politics. That's got to help, right? Perhaps, I shall panhandle for travelling expenses. Or is there a government-subsidized program for Unmarriable American Women Seeking Exile?

Please advise at your most earliest convenience.

One Less American Wife (circa 2005)


Blogger Highlander said...

Well, I really LIKE those 'wife requirements', but I admit, reluctantly and with no small amount of sulleness, that they seem unrealistic.

Ah, those were the days.

6/06/2006 1:12 PM  
Blogger AaA said...

Imagine how much worse that list would be if it appeared in a Saudi newspaper.

6/08/2006 4:23 AM  
Blogger SuperFiancee said...

H -

If you like those guidelines, you can't help but be sorely disappointed in me...;)

Nate -


#31. Never expose your wrists in front of the neighbors, less your husband be forced to hack off your hands. And after a difficult day, that would be quite an imposition.

6/11/2006 6:04 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

I am so NOT the perfect anything, let alone, girlfriend or wife. Bugger. And here I thought I had my role as helpmeet all sewn up. Too bad I can't sew.

6/11/2006 7:37 PM  

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