The Oral Report

Standing up in front of the class was never so much fun!

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Location: River City, United States

The rantings and ravings of a mom of three wonderful girls as she finds new love while working like a dog and shaking her fist at the system. You know. Pretty much like everybody else.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

What Is The Air Speed Velocity of an Un-Laden Swallow?

While surfing today, I found this link. I admit it. I was more than a little amused. Why? I like Monty Python. I do. There, I've said it. They are about as goofy as goofy gets, but still I think it's funny. Sadly, my older girls have been afflicted as well. (Sometimes, genetics can play cruel, cruel tricks on us.) I'm thinking...Christmas gifts for the whole family! It's never to early to start shopping, you know!

Don't ask me to count how many times I've watched HOLY GRAIL (and, for the record I'm a fan of all their work, but this is my fave). I don't think I can. No matter how many times I've seen it though, I know this, I'll still crack up when I watch it. The groan-worthy jokes never get old.

If you're not a fan, you may just want to pass on this, but for those of you that share this passion, have a chuckle on me today. (If you haven't already, that is.) And if (for some reason I can't fathom) you haven't seen the movie, come out of your cave and get ye to the video store post haste.














Large Man with Dead Body: Who's that then?
The Dead Collector: I dunno, must be a king.
Large Man with Dead Body: Why?
The Dead Collector: He hasn't got shit all over him.

King Arthur: Old woman.
Dennis: Man.
King Arthur: Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
Dennis: I'm 37.
King Arthur: What?
Dennis: I'm 37. I'm not old.
King Arthur: Well I can't just call you "man".
Dennis: Well you could say "Dennis".
King Arthur: I didn't know you were called Dennis.
Dennis: Well you didn't bother to find out did you?
King Arthur: I did say sorry about the "old woman", but from behind you looked...
Dennis: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior.
King Arthur: Well I am king.
Dennis: Oh, king eh? Very nice. And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers. By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society.


King Arthur: I am your king.
Woman: Well I didn't vote for you.
King Arthur: You don't vote for kings.
Woman: Well how'd you become king then?
[Angelic music plays... ]
King Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king.
Dennis: [interrupting] Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
Dennis: Oh, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you.
Dennis: Oh but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away.
Dennis: Come and see the violence inherent in the system. Help! Help! I'm being repressed!
King Arthur: Bloody peasant!
Dennis: Oh, what a giveaway! Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about! Did you see him repressing me? You saw him, Didn't you?


Dingo: You must spank her well, and after you are done with her, you may deal with her as you like... and then... spank me.
All: And me. And me too. And me.

Dingo: Yes. Yes, you must give us all a good spanking.
Dingo: And after the spanking, the oral sex.
Galahad: Well, I could stay a bit longer...


[after slicing one of the Black Knight's arms off]
King Arthur: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
Black Knight: 'Tis but a scratch.
King Arthur: A scratch? Your arm's off.
Black Knight: No it isn't.
King Arthur: What's that, then?
Black Knight: [after a pause] I've had worse.
King Arthur: You liar.
Black Knight: Come on ya pansy.


King Arthur: [about the inscription on the rock] What does it say, Brother Maynard?
Brother Maynard: It reads, "Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Aramathia. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the holy grail in the Castle of Aaauuuggghhh..."
King Arthur: What?
Brother Maynard: "The Castle of Aaaauuuggghhhh"
Sir Bedevere: What is that?
Brother Maynard: He must have died while carving it.
King Arthur: Oh come on!
Brother Maynard: Well, that's what it says.
King Arthur: Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't have bothered to carve 'Aaaauuuggghhhh'. He'd just say it.
Sir Galahad: Maybe he was dictating it.


Tim: There he is!
King Arthur: Where?
Tim: There!
King Arthur: What? Behind the rabbit?
Tim: It *is* the rabbit!
King Arthur: You silly sod!
Tim: What?
King Arthur: You got us all worked up!
Tim: Well, that's no ordinary rabbit.
King Arthur: Ohh.
Tim: That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!
Sir Robin: You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!
Tim: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!
Sir Galahad: Get stuffed!
Tim: He'll do you up a treat, mate.
Sir Galahad: Oh, yeah?
Sir Robin: You manky Scots git!
Tim: I'm warning you!
Sir Robin: What's he do? Nibble your bum?
Tim: He's got huge, sharp... er... He can leap about. Look at the bones!


Knight 1: We are the Knights who say... NI.
Roger the Shrubber: Are you saying Ni to that old woman?
King Arthur: Um, yes.
Roger the Shrubber: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say Ni at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress in this period in history.
King Arthur: Did you say shrubberies?
Roger the Shrubber: Yes, shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.


King of Swamp Castle: We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get.
Prince Herbert: But I don't like her.
King of Swamp Castle: Don't like her? What's wrong with her? She's beautiful, she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land.


French Soldier: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.


1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Who goes there?
King Arthur: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Pull the other one!
King Arthur: I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: What? Ridden on a horse?
King Arthur: Yes!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: You're using coconuts!
King Arthur: What?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.

Cleric: And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.

Ah...I needed that...

(NOTE: Which of you will find the carefully placed blooper? Heh. If that's not asking for trouble, I don't know what is?)

12 Comments:

Blogger Your Girl Friday said...

I love Monty Python! I bought the box set for Dad for Father's Day last year. We regularly have Monty Python marathons, where we drink wine and play polka.

Fun!

5/31/2006 7:48 PM  
Blogger Tony Collett said...

Is the blooper Dennis Galahad saying he could stay a little longer for the oral, um, report?
(Oh, wait, Dennis become Galahad in "Spamalot" after he and the Lady of the Lake sang the Andrew Lloyd Webber-inspired "Song That Goes Like This")
"A moose bit my sister once..."

5/31/2006 10:10 PM  
Blogger AaA said...

This is wrong and evil! Why do all the women that like Monty Python either have significant others, live on the other side of the planet, or happen to be vastly younger or older than me?

This, is an ex-parrot!!

5/31/2006 11:58 PM  
Blogger AaA said...

Oh, and one more thing...


African or European?

5/31/2006 11:58 PM  
Blogger SuperFiancee said...

YGF -

I can see how they'd appeal to you...and your dad...who is...ugh...likely my age, too...

Tony -

Right bit. Wrong blooper. It's really dumb.

Nate -

I'm gonna hope I'm in the "have a significant other" camp and not the "vastly older" camp. Other than that, I have no answer for you. Perhaps a Monty Python message board or something. Other than that, I'd like to say that...

This parrot is no more!

6/01/2006 8:40 AM  
Blogger Tony Collett said...

Would you like to come back to my place?

6/01/2006 12:18 PM  
Blogger SuperFiancee said...

...bouncy, bouncy? - heh, wink, wink, nudge, nudge...

6/01/2006 12:35 PM  
Blogger Spider Girl said...

She turned me into a newt!

...I got better...


I LOVE monty python!

6/01/2006 1:17 PM  
Blogger SuperFiancee said...

Spider Girl -

I came thiiiiis close to using that quote, too. I mean, hell, I'd only put like the whole movie in there already. Why not the witch, too?

6/01/2006 2:18 PM  
Blogger AaA said...

And if she weighs as much as a duck, she must therefore be made of wood, and a witch.

He's not pining for the fjords, he bleedin' demised! He's shuffled off this mortal coil, and gone to join the heavenly choir!

...thought you'd never ask.

6/02/2006 1:40 AM  
Blogger SuperFiancee said...

Since no one picked up on the (probably entirely too subtle) blooper, I'll keep you in the dark no longer. The photo accompanying the bit between Dingo and Galahad is a photo of Zoot and Galahad.

Okay, Okay put those rotten tomatoes down!!

6/03/2006 9:32 AM  
Blogger FindingHeart said...

Never the Python extreme fan, but was around it enough. Even did the witch skit for high school talent night back when more people actually knew of MPython.

Better git. Gotta go find my own Dingo somewhere. *nudge nudge...*

6/04/2006 10:12 AM  

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