All About the Honor

Not a Flashback Friday! (though my mind has been working it's way there recently), but recommendations from a couple of you to get this outta my system here haven't fallen on deaf ears. If nothing else, it's closure for me. And, hey, that's just one of the many things that these here blogs are for, right? Let's away, shall we?

My parents both came from families that had their problems. My maternal grandmother (who is likely one of the most generous and real human beings I have ever met in my life) had a penchant for bad boys. It made her life more difficult than it needed to be. But she was who she was. She owned it. And she did so without ever letting go of who she was. And that “who she was” was a pretty remarkable woman.

My Dad’s family wasn’t without problems. As the oldest of nine children, my dad watched (and sometimes became involved) in sibling disputes that have spanned decades. It’s all about the “honor” with these guys.

Factored in there, somewhere, there's all kinds of random stuff, too. Apparently, I got the mixed bag.

I like who I am…most of the time, anyway…and I cling to it. And personal integrity is something I value not only in myself, but in everyone around me. Nothing would please me more than to see my daughters grow to womanhood seeing the value of those lessons. Lessons like the importance of doing the right thing (even if it’s not the easy thing or the best thing for you). Lessons like being trustworthy. Lessons like bringing out the “shovel” (a reference only my beloved will get) only after you’ve exhausted all other options. Lessons like earning respect by having character.

Not everyone lives their life with personal integrity. It’s simply not important to some people (which I find most ironic in people who claim to live their lives in response to biblical teachings). I totally get that. Me? I choose not to spend time with people I cannot trust. It’s not that I feel morally superior (though that may be more of a factor than I’d like to admit), it’s just that I feel I’m wasting my time on people I will be unable to respect. And I would much rather spend my finite time on this plain with people I can and do respect.

Now, none of that is to say that I do not have the capacity to forgive and forget. I do. (I gotta believe that 20 years with my ex will give me some cred in that department.) But, like with my ex, I’m not gonna keep turning the other cheek indefinitely. Lying and disrespecting me over and over and over is gonna turn those bridges to cinders. And being in construction, I can tell you that we rarely, if ever, use cinders as building materials. Cinders simply cannot be rebuilt once it gets to that point. It’s best to move on to a new site, and start from scratch.

I say all of this, because of recent events I feel obligated to share. Buckle up.

The end of this past June, I received the following email from the woman my ex broke up with some months prior.

Hi “T”...
I just read your post today. I am sorry about all your money struggles. I am having the same problem with my ex-husband and most likely will have to take him to court to get it all worked out. [2] and [3] are both great girls and I would hate to see them not get the dental work that they need. We are experiencing something like that here, only in the vision department.

Anyway, it seems as if it bothers you greatly that I read your blog. You are simply on my blog list and I routinely check them all to see what everyone has written. If it bothers you that much, I can take you off my list. And “D”, too. I mostly check your blogs to see how the girls are doing. I don't talk to "M" [Editor's note: my ex husband] anymore and he hardly ever posts anything on his. But I do like reading about the girls. I spent a lot of time with them, and sometimes I miss being a part of their lives. I do know that [R] (her daughter) keeps in touch with [2] and [1], which is fine with me. I think [R] and [S] (her oldest son…his initial is not “S”, but rather than duplicate he will be for the purpose of this post. Deal.) said they would love to get together with the girls sometime, but if they did, I would rather it be when they are with you. I am not comfortable interacting with "M". Anyway, if you have taken the time to read this, let me know what you think.

“J”

PS. I do not equate good parenting with being able to drive. My ex can drive, which proves my point right there. (smile) I think “D”, in his own unique way, is a good stepdad to the girls.

Have a good week, and good luck with the money issues.

Now, I gotta stop and interject. Gotta. Sorry. This message came to an account that I don’t check regularly anymore…from an address that I had never seen before. (I note that because I have previously blocked not one, but two, email addresses from this person…so she clearly considers my doing so a challenge…um, can you say “stalker behavior”?...I knew you could.) Interesting to me that she would state that she was uncomfortable interacting with my ex. I had, only days before, noted to my ex that she was still “stalking my blog”. He lowered his eyes and shook his head, and then he indicated that he understood completely because he was having “similar issues”. (Keep this point in mind, though, because while she was uncomfortable interacting with him on this day…well…she got over it nearly immediately.) And, you know, it's not like it's the first time she'd indicated that she wouldn't read my blog anymore.

Lastly, SHE was the one who indicated that a person had to drive to be a good parent, and seems to have completely forgotten that she was the one spouting that rubbish from her soapbox. Or, I don’t know, maybe this is classic political flip-flop. Whatever it is, I can tell you that it’s NOT personal integrity. Not even close.

It took me several days to formulate a response to her note, as I know that her kids and our kids do, indeed, enjoy each others’ company. The children of J’s that I have met, appear to be pretty good kids. So, I don’t have an issue with my kids spending time with them. But because, I would rather they didn’t spend time with J, and because my children have confessed to me that they are uncomfortable spending time with J, I talked to them and came up with a plan I thought would work for all of us. Consequently, I sent back the following note.

J -

I have thought long and hard about your email and while I do not plan to address all the points in your original note (for obvious reasons), I will address those that pertain to my children.

I've talked to the kids and mulled over the situation. After talking with the two older girls, [1] and [2] would like to spend some time with [R] and [S]. They'd like to go [Visiting the Establishments in Our Neighborhood] with them, if that is acceptable to them, and to you. Obviously, the relationships between the adults involved make things a little complicated, but I would like to propose that you drop [R] and [S] off at [A Well Known Local Coffee Shop] (they have tables outside where the kids could meet) up at the corner of [our street], and that [1] and [2] could walk up from our house and meet them there. The pick up (a few hours later) could be handled similarly, with [1] and [2] walking home and you coming back to pick your kids up shortly thereafter.

This will eliminate friction between the adults. This also allows all the kids the opportunity to meet without having to deal with any parents from either side being present. [1] and [2] are most comfortable with this option, and I hope, as this is being done for the kids, you and your children can respect that.

I've asked the girls not to mention this meeting at all to [3], as she is only going to want similar privileges with [A] (the youngest son), and that isn't nearly as simple, as we can hardly leave young children unattended. [3] seems to have achieved some closure as regards her relationship with you and with [A], and the uncertainty surrounding any kind of continuing relationship for her in this regard cause me to opt to preserve that sense of closure and try to protect her from further unnecessary and unhealthy emotional upset.

Therefore, after a great deal of thought, this seems to me to be the best way to go forward with this. If this is agreeable to you, [S], and [R], then let me know. As much notice as possible would be helpful, and please let's confine this discussion to email.

In the future, I think both our sets of older kids are capable of initiating and formulating plans to socialize, and will only need to involve parental authority as concerns permission and transportation details.

T

My intention was to allow these four children the opportunity to spend some time together without the stress of the grown-up issues. I thought it was a way to put aside any issues between J and I, so that the kids in this equation (who'd formed a friendship) wouldn't have to be caught up in the drama. It would have been far easier to say "no" and "don't contact me ever again"...again...but, as usual, I was trying to do what I thought was best for the kids. In this case, all the kids. The response I got back was this…

Hi T,
I am glad you answered. It gives me the chance to clear something up with you. When I wrote to you on June 26, I was not talking to "M". But when I wrote to you, it caused me to think about my situation with "M" and I decided to send him an e-mail as well. He responded with a phone call, and we have been talking off and on since. He told me you asked him if we were talking and when he said yes, you responded that you knew "she was lying". I wasn't lying. After I contacted you about the kids, shortly after that "M" and I began talking again. Sorry about the confusion. I do think it will still be easier to plan things when the kids are with you, since they are there much more of the time.

As for your arrangement with the kids, that sounds good. I agree with leaving [3] and [A] out of it. And I won't call the house. Unfortunately, [S] is in two plays right now as well as working so I don't know how soon they will be able to coordinate schedules. Maybe [R] and the girls can work something out. [R] has much more free time than [S], since being 15 she can only work 18 hours a week. And you're right, I think all 4 of them are more than capable of arranging their own social calendars, but I don't think any of them wanted to initiate anything since none of the adults were in contact.

Both [S] and [R] are at work right now, so I will talk it over with them and get their schedules and then we will go from there, if that's okay with you.

And I hope you've noticed from your statcounter, I have stopped reading your blog and D's as you requested. I have deleted the links from my blog list. I would imagine you're not interested, but if you ever should be, you are welcome to read mine. Or if you ever have a question about anything with the kids, please feel free to e-mail or call.

I know you don't like me and apparently don't trust me, but I would like to find a way to apologize for everything in the past and move on, to being civil face-to-face or if possible, friendly. Whatever you think of me, I would love for all of us to be able to get together and let the kids hang out someday.

Again, thanks for e-mailing.

J

Where do I begin? Okay, first, let me note that when I spoke to my ex about the email I’d initially received, he noted he had recently begun speaking with her again. I said she was “lying” to me about being uncomfortable with him…not about not having spoken to him (though that’s more likely his miscommunication). Clearly, she got over the comfort issues, as soon as she’d sent me the note. I’m thinking the issues weren’t as significant as I was led to believe.

Next, she appeared to agree with the arrangements I’d proposed regarding the kids. Wouldn’t you think? I mean, she said, “that sounds good”. I’m taking that to mean that she doesn’t have a problem with them.

For the record, I had noticed from my statcounter that she’d stopped reading my blog. I think D noticed a similar trend at the time…which was July 8th. As you’ll see, that appeared to be part of a limited time offer...though I must have missed that part. Doubtless it was in the fine print at the bottom of the screen, or something.

Lastly, I’m not looking for an apology from J. While I’ll acknowledge that she has mountains of bad behavior for which she owes me an apology, I’m taking the “move on” option and since she is no longer my ex’s current girlfriend, we don’t have to interact. Not even at the minute level we used to have to interact. And that makes the rest of it moot. Further, an apology (or anything else, really) from someone whose word is worthless, simply has no value. I'm not going to mislead anyone, or waste the time pretending it does.

So then, neither the kids, nor I, heard anything back, regarding these tentative plans, for over a week. I asked my kids if they’d heard anything from [R] and they said they had not. [1], in fact, indicated that she’d had an IM conversation with [R] and that [R] had been indicating that she’d really like to get together and do some [Visiting The Establishments in Our Neighborhood]. I just didn’t get why this had been started and then dropped.

And then, nine days later, this shows up in my inbox…

T,
"M" ordered [1] a copy of the latest Harry Potter book, which comes out at midnight this Friday, through me at a bookstore in New Albany. I would like to get it to her this weekend, but "M" will be out of town.

Would it be possible for us to arrange to meet [1] and/or [2] to get the book to her? If she will be working this weekend, I would be happy to drop it by there.

Just let me know what you think will work best.

J

No mention of tentative plans she’d set in motion nearly a month prior. Plus, this book that was a gift from my ex…wasn’t at the top of M’s list of important stuff to arrange before he left town for his vacation. He’d neither mentioned making any arrangements with me or nor with [1]. But, yeah, being a Potterphile (I’m totally stealing that, Mr. G), I knew she’d be anxious to get her hands on it. So, I decided to reintroduce the option J had brought to me in the first place.

J -
I had expected to hear back from you regarding [R]'s schedule and the possibility of [S] and [R] spending some time with [1] and [2], but have not seen anything back from you. [1] advises me, today, that [R] was lamenting about going [Visiting Establishments in our Neighborhood] with her recently. Have you decided against this for some reason?

Is it possible that "M"'s gift to [1] could be delivered by [R] and [S], if they could get together this weekend? [1] and [2] both have some availability on Sunday, if that would work with your kids.

Let me know.

T

And so, on the Wednesday prior, this is what I got back. It was the last correspondence between us.

T,
I apologize for the delay. As you know, I had [R] call [2] and talk through plans for Sunday. No, I didn't change my mind. I have been sick for the past week or more and have just recently gotten back into the complete swing of things.

Anyway, I will drop [R] and the book (not sure about [S] - his play schedule may conflict) at [the coffee shop] at 5.

J

Would you make the leap that the plan was on as originally discussed? Would you take this woman at her word? Would you believe that, even though you hadn’t wanted to hurt her feelings unnecessarily, by telling her that she makes your children uncomfortable and that both you and a licensed professional feel it's not in their best interest for them to spend time with this person, you wouldn't have to get into any of that anyway?

Well, if you're me, you'd make that mistake...again. And, like me, you’d be wrong. And, by now, you ought to know better.

That following Sunday, which happened to be the 22nd of July (that date will factor in shortly, just jot it down somewhere), I had my kids intentionally wait to leave the house so that J would have time to drop her kids off and be gone by the time my girls got there. Guess what, she was sitting at the table out front of the coffee shop with her kids…waiting. Which…you know…is directly contrary to what I’d asked her to do and what she’d told me she was going to do and is a fine, fine example of her complete lack of personal integrity. Or maybe I should say “another” fine, fine example of her complete lack of personal integrity. It's certainly why I can never trust her, and another reason why my children’s therapist has advised them never to trust her.

She wanted to see the kids. Period. And she went around me by deceiving me to do so. Despite the fact that it was neither what I wanted, nor what the kids wanted, clearly, no one else’s opinions or feelings matter here. And, well, she pushed the right button. She was "doing something for the kids", and she knew I'd put my own reservations aside to make my children happy.

To ice that particular cake, guess what, she went back on her word about reading my blog, too. Shocker. I guess, though, that only really counts if I believed her in the first place.





So, I've blocked her email address...again...and I'm hoping, one more time, that I'm through with this crap. Bring on the NEXT "current girlfriend". Please. Preferably one that has some personal integrity this time.