The Oral Report

Standing up in front of the class was never so much fun!

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Location: River City, United States

The rantings and ravings of a mom of three wonderful girls as she finds new love while working like a dog and shaking her fist at the system. You know. Pretty much like everybody else.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

If It Weren't For My Horse

Do you like Lewis Black? I do. I find him hysterically funny. His Nyquil/Slumber Party stuff is great. And the political stuff is choice. Hands down, my favorite bit of his is as follows:

My favorite health club is the International House of Pancakes... Recently, I was there, when from behind me, a woman of 25 uttered the dumbest thing I'd ever heard in my life ... She said, 'If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college.' I'll repeat that. I'll repeat that because that's the kind of sentence that when you hear it, your brain comes to a screeching hault. And the left hand side of the brain looks at the right hand side and goes, 'It's dark in here, and we may die.' She said, 'If it weren't for my horse...' as in, giddyup, giddyup, let's go - 'I wouldn't have spent that year in college,' a degree-granting institution. Don't! Don't think about that sentence for more than three minutes, or blood'll shoot out your nose. The American medical profession doesn't know why we get an aneurysm. It's when a blood vessel bursts in our head for no apperant reason. There's a reason. You're at the mall one day, and somebody over there says the dumbest thing you've ever heard and it goes in your ear. So you turn around to see if your friends heard it, cause if your friends heard it, and you can talk about what the jackass said, then it'll be gone. But your friends are over here, pretending they're gonna buy a cellular phone, and they're not gonna buy a cellular phone, because they don't even understand how the rate structure works. So you turn back, to find the person who said it, because if you can ask 'em a question like, 'WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?!' then it'll go away. But they're gone. And now those words are in your head. And those words don't go away. Cause the way I see it, 7% of our brains functions all the time, because 99% of everything that happens is the same old stuff. We get it. All right. Move on. Get it. Right. But every so often, somethin' like that happens: 'If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college. If it weren't for my horse...If it weren't for my horse...If it weren't for my horse...' So your brain goes, 'LET'S FIGURE IT OUT! Son of a bitch! I wonder what that's about!' I wonder, was she riding the horse to school? No, she wouldn't be riding the horse to school. Maybe it was a polo pony; she had a polo pony scholarship. Maybe she sold the horse and that's how she - she was betting on the horse! WHAT THE FUCK?!! And then you realise that anybody who went to college would never say anything that stupid in public. And as soon as you have that thought, your eyes close and the next morning they find you dead in your bathroom.

He totally cracks me up. I mean falling in the floor, slobbering on myself, peeing my pants, cracks me up. Probably because my mind works in the exact same random way. If you haven't heard/seen him, you should.

Anyway, I was thinking of random tidbits of conversation from my day today and wanted to share. It reminded me of that bit. So, here are some random bits of conversation and I hope you don't have an aneurysm.

Tammy: Hi. You're just the one I was looking for.

Former Boss Still In Construction (FMSIC): Wow! I haven't talked to you in a long time. How are you?

Tammy: Fine. You?

FBSIC: The last thing I heard about you had something to do with an industrial strength shop vac and some doughnuts. I warned him not to do it. But he never listens to me.

* * * * * * * *

Tammy: Your homework says your class counted up all the eyes in the classroom today. How many were there all together?

My 6 Year Old: 49

* * * * * * * *

Co-Worker at Staff Meeting: Does anyone know if there is any information on the renovation of those Shoe Stores on Parsley Street?

Current Extremely Strapping Male Boss: I remember those Shoe Stores. Once, I went to this costume party, dressed as Dorothy, from the WIZARD OF OZ, and I had the dress and the wig and even a little basket, but I couldn't find the shoes anywhere big enough to fit me.

I'm gonna go take my meds now. And maybe a nap.


Blogger Highlander said...

You work with some weird people, baby. Weird. ::shaking my head::

Good thing me and the SuperKids are so normal and mainstream. After all that crazy stuff it work, it must be nice to come home to an atmosphere of clean, neat, solemn wholesomeness like our house. Where there is never any absurdity, strangeness, or whimsy.

2/08/2006 8:02 AM  
Blogger SuperFiancee said...

The one with SuperAdorableKid had her sisters and I analyzing whether there was a kindergartner who wore an eye patch to cover his empty ocular socket, had a third eye (most likely in the back of his head), or was a cyclops. Can't wait to see the class photo.

2/08/2006 11:00 AM  
Blogger Tony Collett said...

Um, do you guys ever talk to each other in person, y'know, without a computer?
And on a related note, I made the error of quoting a Lewis Black bit to the wife while she was taking a drink of water. Black's always had his bit about the Super Bowl half-time show's getting exponentially (crapp)ier and (crapp)ier, and was telling her his talking about the Justin/Janet fiasco, where it sounded like Justin was saying "I want to touch you with my pee-pee" and she was saying "no no no". In fact, I think that was the name of the song "I Want To Touch You With My Pee-Pee (NoNoNo)"

2/08/2006 6:55 PM  
Blogger Tony Collett said...

BTW, when you get a chance, check out Bill Hicks. If you see a CD (especially "Rant in E-Minor") get it. He's been gone over a dozen years now, but his material's a relevant as ever (and not because he talks about Bush, Iraq, and the stupifying of America, either) Okay, the bit about how America couldn't kill Saddam Hussein because they couldn't get him down to Dallas hasn't stood the test of time that well, but still...

2/08/2006 6:58 PM  
Anonymous Nate said...

That's some funny stuff right there, I just gotta say.

2/09/2006 1:43 AM  
Blogger SuperFiancee said...

Nate -

Seeing Lewis Black perform it (and I only have via television) really enhances it. He gets so emotional. It's absolutely hysterical. As for the other 'humor', I couldn't make up some of the stuff that I deal with. Best you can do is laugh at it.

Tony -

Not familiar with Bill Hicks, but I'll keep that in mind.

As for H and I, we credit not talking up close in and person as the primary reason for the phenomenal success of our relationship.

2/09/2006 8:28 AM  
Blogger Opus P. Penguin said...

I love Lewis Black. My favorite is the Starbucks bit. That they're great for people with Alzheimer's because they go to one and then step out and say, hey, let's get coffee, then look across the street and say, hey, there's a Starbucks...

Wish I could write like that.

2/09/2006 3:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was emailing a friend and trying to re-tell this bit and thought... hmm... I googled: "if it wasn't for that horse" and found this in full detail. I love the internet.

2/27/2006 3:05 PM  
Blogger SuperFiancee said...

Glad to be of service. Especially when I'm passing along Lewis Black bits.

2/27/2006 4:06 PM  

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