The Oral Report

Standing up in front of the class was never so much fun!

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Location: River City, United States

The rantings and ravings of a mom of three wonderful girls as she finds new love while working like a dog and shaking her fist at the system. You know. Pretty much like everybody else.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Bringing the Random...

Yeah, it's been a while...I know.

A mixture of "I've been really busy" and "I really don't have anything to blog about", have finally come to a cataclysmic head. You are here. It's historical and all. Whee.

Without further ado, here's some stuff.

Pointy birds
Oh pointy, pointy
Anoint my head
Anointy nointy

We all know that's Steve Martin gold, there, right? Just checking.

Who could know for certain, but I doubt this is what Jesus would do...In other news, we've got lots of left-over Easter ham and as Jesus is a Jew, I guess he wouldn't help out there, either. Also, isn't it odd that pork is the traditional dinner at the resurrection celebration of a man who can't eat pork?


Speaking of left-over ham, Bunnyman and I came up with what is likely a million dollar marketing idea the other day.


You know how McBurger Joint's has those McPancake thingies injected all over with syrup? Why couldn't you get you a loaf of Texas toast and do virtually the same thing with mayo? Yes, you'd have to keep your bread in the fridge, but you know there are plenty o' folks out there that would be buying that stuff like crazy.

Slap some of that left-over ham between a couple of slices and that's some good eatin'!

Just saying.

Are you guys keeping up? Good.

The new van has been somewhat naughty. It belched up transmission just two months after purchasing it. Of course the Lot where we bought it claims no prior knowledge and reiterated the "as-is" purchase clause, but they pointed me to a garage and allowed that I could take advantage of their discount (which later proved rather substantial). All that behind me (and an oil change to boot), we appear to be chugging along. Much lighter, however, in the wallet than I'd like to be, but otherwise, okay.

Oh, I know, I could totally share my "a funny thing happened on the way to pick up my car from the transmission shop" story...

Efforts to maintain anonymity may suck the funny from this funny story, but I'll do my best. My regulars will be able to fill in the blanks and the uproarious humor will ensue.


Okay, so the transmission went out in the van. That part was a given, right? And, in an effort to help, my folks loaned me one of their vehicles. My Dad's Caddy.

Now, I must mention that my Dad is a HUGE college basketball fan.

Specifically ONE college team. (Which I cannot mention by know...)

Now, I attended the college of this particular team's main rival, so my Dad and I have always had good-natured ribbing, back and forth, about this situation. You know, "Ha, Ha, Ha, your team sucks!", and "Ha, Ha, Ha, I hope your team loses.", and other fun stuff like that. 'Cause that's how we roll.

It is NOT dysfunctional.

So, I'm meeting my folks at the transmission place and I'm driving down a pretty major road here in River City and all of a sudden, the Man is behind me with the lights and sirens on, getting ready to get his oppressin' on.

I knew I hadn't been speeding. In addition to being a very rainy day, the street has traffic lights on every block, so you can't really get going very fast. So, I really expected that I maybe had a rear light out or something.

When the officer came to my window, he asked if I knew why he'd stopped me. (Does anyone ever answer that with the correct answer? "Yessir, officer, I'm pretty sure you stopped me because I was waving this pistol out the window and shooting pedestrians. You're not gonna give me a ticket for THAT are you????") I had no idea, however. He then stated that my license plate frame was obscuring my registration decal.

Now, of course, none of this is "my" anything, but I knew IMMEDIATELY that the license plate frame of which he spoke was related to my Dad's [insert college team's mascot here] obsession.

So, let's put aside, for a moment that it's pouring down rain outside. I told him, I was sorry, but that it was not my vehicle. That I'd borrowed it from my Dad while mine was being repaired and that I was, in fact, en route to return it and I'd be HAPPY (and I meant it and adequately expressed it, I think) to tell my Dad he had to remove said license plate frame.

We yucked it up a bit and he asked for my driver's license and the registration and insurance for the vehicle. I pulled my driver's license from my wallet and then opened the glove box...hoping... To my relief, I found a while envelope which contained both of said documents. It was sitting atop a larger pile of assorted paperwork. I hastily removed the registration and insurance card from the envelope and handed them to the police officer.

After nary a second or two, he asked if I had a more current insurance card and showed me that the one I'd handed him had an expiration date of February 8, 2008. On March 19th, he was, apparently, cutting me no slack. I rummaged through the remaining papers, but found nothing helpful and told him that I was certain my parents had the appropriate coverages on the vehicle.

I guess he must hear that alot, though.

He took all the stuff and went back to his dry police cruiser...

and he wrote me a ticket.

So, I gotta go to the courthouse and prove that my parent's had insurance on their car at the time I got pulled over. What a pain the butt.

And all because my Dad has to own (and display) every merchandising item this particular college team markets.

Because of this, I had to put the bad mojo on them and keep them from winning the NCAA championship. My Dad is very sad, I'm sure. But Punishment Pie is hardly ever something we want.

Let's see...Let's see...what else can I babble on about?...

Hey, here's a you tube video that I found and wanted to share...

And then, there's this disturbing little number...

Okay, otherwise, at my place, it's all about each of my girls trying to out-drama the other. Also, preparations for visitors from the north, the east and the south, all over the next several weeks. And, believe it or not, my upcoming first anniversary is in less than a month. Some of you may already have lost the office pool, I know.

Lastly, Hillary...Barack...seriously, both of you need to be bitch-slapped. You're getting sucked into republican's game. And if you're not smart enough to see it and STOP IT, neither of you deserve to be in the race at all. I really need a break from the White House republicanizing...and I'd think you would, too. Drain the dirty pool and start looking at the way this will shake out six weeks from now. We all know you both want it...badly. But if you don't cut it out, the rest of us will be the one's paying for your mistakes. Cut it out!

Okay, y'all have a good week, and I'll try not to wait a month before I post again. Honest injun.

Good night, Pa.

Good night, Mary Ellen.

Good night, John Boy.

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