The Oral Report

Standing up in front of the class was never so much fun!

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Location: River City, United States

The rantings and ravings of a mom of three wonderful girls as she finds new love while working like a dog and shaking her fist at the system. You know. Pretty much like everybody else.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Politically Incorrect Chili

That's right. I said "politically incorrect chili". (Though, sadly, this post is doomed to fail to live up to that freakishly bizarre title. Mea Culpa.)

Several weeks ago, [Kid 1] shared with me (via cellphone photographic evidence) a humorous marquis in our neighborhood. A "Cincinnati-style chili franchise", that shall go unnamed in this post that's less than a mile from our place.

Now, having sampled this particular establishment's wares many years ago, I can tell you, without hesitation, that I am not a fan of Cincinnati-style chili, nor to my knowledge, is anyone else in my household (though, it's likely that they'd keep a horror of this magnitude from me, such is the disdain I have for this place) . Consequently, it's not a place frequented by our household. Which would, I suppose, serve as some type of explanation as to why I'd not previously noticed their holiday marquis message...

I'm pretty sure they're alluding to Santa's chili ordering choices, and not something even more unsavory than their product. I must admit, though, that I could be wrong. Me and Santa, we're close. But not that close.

So, many hee-hee-hee's and ha-ha-ha's and a couple weeks later, [Kid 1] happened to be near this particular establishment, whilst in the company of a cousin she's spending a great deal of time with lately, and wanted to show her the funny signage. 'Cause, you know, Christmas was over at that point and making fun of Santa's sexual orientation was not quite the danger it had been only days before.

However, the chili parlor had changed it's sign. Not, however, disappointed by the replacement, [Kid 1] brought me home this photo...

Like these BAD chili-makin' mofo's have any idea what goes on in MY bedroom. Hmpf!

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Monday, December 24, 2007

The Obligatory Christmas Post

Okay, things are gonna be pretty busy today and tomorrow and it's HIGHLY unlikely I'll be back. (In fact, the only reason I'm here now is that D is working, two of the kids are still sleeping and the youngest is taking a breathing upper respiratory thing at Christmas...GRRR!...well, and the thought of doing some laundry is less than motivating.)

Anyway, as I hadn't seen anyone else posting it, I wanted to hang a little You Tube vid here for you guys, too. Classic stuff from Mr. Bill Murray (who shares my birthday, btw). The Ghost of Christmas Present...

Have a wonderful holiday, Boys and Girls. And I hope you all get both what you want and what you need...not only now, but in the New Year, as well.

Merry Christmas!

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Thursday, December 20, 2007

Christmas Eating Rules

I received this seasonal email forward today. As it includes information that simply must be passed along, for the common good, I'm posting it here, on The Oral Report.

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. it's rare. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips 1-8 and start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

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Wednesday, December 19, 2007

My Mind's Been Playing Cruel Tricks

...or has it?

About 146 years ago (no offense, Steve, you look good...really), I saw a stand-up routine (not live, mind you) that Steve Martin did, wherein, he talked about The Cruel Shoes.

The bit was not particularly flattering to women. I should probably front-load with that. But the delivery was quite comical.

Steve has moved on to other things, and that's all well and good. The bit, however, stayed with me. Particularly, when I've seen shoes that look like this, or like that, or, my god, like those.

The years, apparently, have not been kind to the memories of my similarly-aged-peers. So many times, I have mentioned this routine (when I've seen shoes that looked, in some way, cruel) and have asked various people if they remember it. Hoping, against hope, for a glimmer of recognition and perhaps...perhaps...even a smile indicating that they "get it". Is that too much to ask???

But time and time again, I am rebuked.

"No, Superwife, you hot, sexy maven of all things right and comical, you must be misremembering." Or, sometimes, they give me that sideways glance...which, I've come to learn, is NOT a come hither look...and tell me that I've dreamed the entire thing. That Steve Martin never did any such routine. And something about me being DE-ranged, but by then I'm no longer listening to them, so I can't be sure about that last.

Oh, how easy it would have been to suppress my true memories, to just "let it go", but I could not. So, once again, I took a look around the web and this time...::sniff:: ::sniff::...I found a little validation.

To those of you who doubted me, well, here you go. I should also note that it probably isn't gonna live up to the build up I've given it. But, mostly, I'm just delighted that I found it. The following You Tube clip has the audio, but the video is a compilation of pics, as opposed to the routine (which would have included some trademark Steve Martin facial expressions). But it will give you the idea.

Lastly, I just wanted to say, to all of you who urged me to give up the dream...N'Yah, N'Yah, N'Yah, N'Yah, N'Yah...I TOLD YOU SO!!!!!

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Miss Me?

Life has been…um…interesting.

And more than a little busy.

But you folks know all about that stuff. Don't you?

'Tis the season and all, huh?

Well around Castle Anthrax, we're in pretty good shape. Just a couple of small things yet to be picked up, but there is still multitudes of wrapping to be done.

Getting down to the wire and starting to plan out Christmas dinner. I think most will enjoy their gifts. My sister is always a toss-up. And we've done more homemade gifts than usual this year, so that's always kinda dicey. I can't TALK about them here, because you people simply cannot keep a secret. After Christmas, maybe I'll have Martha do a guest spot. Lucky Bastards.

Our dear friend, Nate (whose blog is kinda anonymous now or I'd link it, too), has apparently wrapped a Buick and put it under our tree. At least that's about the right sized box for one. So, it'll be nice to be driving a new car in the new year. I'm greatly looking forward to it.

Speaking of our tree, it's gorgeous (if deadly), and while it's definitely starting to dry out a bit, I'm pretty sure there will be actual pine needles (and not just on the floor...or embedded in our respective jugular veins...either) for Christmas. My oldest daughter took some pics of the tree with her cellphone, but they really don't do it justice (can justice really BE done to this tree???). Consequently, I need to borrow a digital (as the birthday gift I tried to give my hubby last month blew up spectacularly) so I can get some pics of it posted for you all to admire.

I'm working on it.

We have no snow. And it's unlikely we'll get any by next Tuesday. And that sucks. I really do enjoy a white Christmas. Ironically, the Christmas BEFORE my hubby moved to River City was one such Christmas. A nice 6" late Christmas Eve snowfall was a delightful gift. Waking up and looking out onto the pristine snow on Christmas morning filled me with such warmth...and a touch of nostalgia. Missing those northern Christmases, I suppose. Anyway, many of our northern friends may get to enjoy themselves a White Christmas. Fricken, Fracken, Rashen, Frashen snow stealin' no good

On the downside, there's been much nasty arguing with my ex about the inconvenience of not giving him the kids' Christmas lists (which, of course, saves him from the distasteful business of actually speaking to them himself) when they were originally available. (The tricky part of THAT is that I didn't do it because he specifically told me not to. Though somehow I'm still responsible for the consequences of respecting his decision.) Always a good time (that's sarcasm), but especially so this time of year (see previous note).

Anywho, I'm shaking that crap off and doing what I can to make as nice a holiday as I can for myself and the peeps I love. Changing gears a bit, I was tooling around the net, and ran across a few "seasonal" items that I simply HAD to share with you all. Had to.

A Top Ten, if you will, of bad nativities (the rubber ducks wins the prize for me, Gang) to show you just how frightening this stuff can get.

I'm happy to report that I have not seen a nativity tie in person.

And that my children are too old to be receiving nativity ducks for Christmas.

Next on the list of...let's call them Questionable Gift this little gem.

I like the one size fits all option on a gift like this.

And the fact that, here in America, you can sell anything. So, if you gotta have one...or have an idiot on your gift's the place to get one.

Likely too late to pick up one of these new toys, but maybe next year...

The entrails splayed out are a nice touch and one I'm sure won't be lost on young children.

I will say, though, that I'm CERTAIN there is a market out there for this stuff. And less enthusiastically, possibly in my own home...

This clip is actually safe for work (unless you work at the MENSA offices). It's two hot girls in a shower...having what they believe is an intelligent conversation.

Lastly, here's a little "homemade" JibJab Christmas goodie I wanted to share. Hoping that all of you have a most excellent holiday!! (Which is more than the Spears' family is likely to have. As yet, another one is trying to put the 'ho' in holiday!. )

Don't send a lame Holiday eCard. Try JibJab Sendables!

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