The Oral Report

Standing up in front of the class was never so much fun!

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Location: River City, United States

The rantings and ravings of a mom of three wonderful girls as she finds new love while working like a dog and shaking her fist at the system. You know. Pretty much like everybody else.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Overture, Curtains, Lights...

This is it, the night of nights
No more rehearsing and nursing a part
We know every part by heart
Overture, curtains, lights
This is it, you'll hit the heights
And oh what heights we'll hit
On with the show this is it!

Somewhere...even now...a decrepid version of Bugs Bunny (though he's drawn really well for his age) is dialing his lawyer with those seriously oversized paws of his. Oh, well, whatcha gonna do?

In honor of tonight's kick off of AMERICAN IDOL - SEASON 7, I had a couple things I wanted to pass along.

My hubby noted (several times last season), that if when Mandisa recorded an album he'd be buying it for sure. Well, guess what I found? That's right, Baby. A Mandisa album. Only one catch, though, apparently, her professional forte' is gospel. Tricky, huh, as gospel isn't exactly your favorite kinda music. Still on the list? or you think you can resist?

Uh...oh was Lakisha, not Mandisa...and Lakisha doesn't have an album out yet.

Never mind. My bad.

Also in my bag o' goodies is this link to a Where Are They Now type site, featuring many past Idol contestants. While some (go Jennifer Hudson) have skyrocketed, others (Constantine Maroulis) have definitely exhausted their 15 minutes. For the insatiable Idol fans, you will also find links there to Biggest Idol Scandals and Worst Idol Performances, etc. Bath in it. Let your fingers get all pruny with it.

In any event, despite the fact that I am getting no kick-back of any kind to promote this show, I just wanted to pass along that tonight is a two hour audition show, starting at 8PM (Eastern time, bitches) and then there will be two more hours of that stuff tomorrow night.

As I have some errands later, it's questionable whether I'll catch the entire show tonight. Also, I'm thinking I'll be watching alone in the back room. Otherwise, the uninitiated Nate will be looking for a sharp instrument with which to puncture his eardrums.

And we wouldn't want that, would we?

But for me...drunk Paula, Randy Jackon's "Dawg Pound" and Simon's name-calling, along with all the music...I...I can't believe it's finally here again!!

::sniff:: ::sniff::

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Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Keep Me Stat-isfied

I happened to notice that I've just surpassed my Two Year Blogiversary! (The anniversary of my first post was actually last Thursday.) Those things really do sneak up on you!

In that two years, I've racked up 32,500 hits (albeit, most of them via my ex and his friends and family network) for 475 posts on The Oral Report.

Whew. That sure is a lot of hot air.

Thanks to those of you who have made it such fun (and have put up with the b.s.)!! I really do appreciate you!!

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News and Views

Pardon me while I scoot this in front of the microphone.

I'll try to be brief.

No, I will not sign any guarantees.

I read today that the guy currently residing at the White House, in a surprisingly un-republican move, has signed what I'd call a minor victory in gun control law, into effect.

It's difficult for me to believe that, up until yesterday, severe mental health problems were not a hurdle in the purchase of a deadly weapon. Well, given the NRA, I guess it's not a HUGE surprise.

However, since the Virginia Tech shootings last year, we're apparently ready to take the first steps to keep dangerous weapons out of the hands of those who have no business with them, and I say "Right On!".

Yeah, I'm a gun control nut. And, if it makes you feel better, my Dad is a member of the NRA. So, basically, we cancel each other out, politically speaking. He knows I'm always gonna vote for gun control, so he always makes a point of getting to the polls to cancel mine out. It's kinda cute, really.

The point is that, even if you're one of "them", you don't have to worry about me being the one who takes the gun from your cold, dead hands...though typing that makes me kinda tingly...I'm no threat to you. My vote don't count for shit. (Though I'm not gonna get my sphygmomanometer all in a twist about it here or now.)

I gotta wonder, though, do you have to be a card-carrying member of the Looney Club? Or how is that gonna work? Gun dealers are gonna be (pardon me) up in arms over any repercussions that put them in the position of being a psychologist. Though, I suppose it's more likely that there will be nothing more than a slap on the wrist for dealers who don't check. Otherwise, I can't imagine Bush signing it.

In any event, I'm certain that crazy crackers who bought their guns before this historic occasion are "grandfathered in" anyway.

(Whew! Close call for Ted Nugent!)

It's unlikely the feds will be making a sweep to pick up weapons illegally owned by nutjobs. I'm sure Mr. Cheney would put a stop to any such operation before the first bedcheck...

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Bill Gates Last Day at Microsoft

You may have already seen this, but I found it pretty amusing.

Yeah, I'm like that.

Hey, you're here reading my blog, so what does that say about you?

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Global Warming Diary - January 8, 2008

Dear Diary -

Just yesterday, I was musing about wearing my sandals to work. You know I try not to let fashion rules entirely dictate what I wear, but are sandals after the first snowfall as big a faux pas as wearing white after Labor Day? I mean, really, I could use a little guidance here. And where is one to find help on Global Warming Fashion Etiquette??? Al Gore??? Leonardo DiCaprio??? It's impossible!!

Also, the recent record high temps (in a year where we've had several record-breaking weather days in River City) have my Darling D running the air conditioner. I was flummoxed (yes, Diary, I said flummoxed) to find the a/c running last night.

Um...because it's January, that's why.

Also, he was pretty unabashed about it when I called him on it. I'll have to work on that part, I know. Diary, you know, more than anyone, that I've had my fill of uppity men folk.

So, I'm wondering, Dear Diary, will I ever actually SEE snow again? Feel the cold, crisp air biting at my cheeks? Or, you know, should I just start planning a Valentine's Day picnic this year?

I realize you aren't a Magic 8 Ball, but I'd sure like to know if the four cold days we had two weeks ago, are the ENTIRE winter season this year. If not, I guess I should put the shorts back in the top of my closet. I just hope I haven't shaved my legs for nothing.

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No Ticket Series - V

...and worth every penny!

It's been a looooooooong time comin', Gang! Haven't done one of these since last May (I checked). Oh, I've wanted to, but who has time for such frivolity?

Me, apparently. Heh.

For the uninitiated (and there can't be more than a couple of you), this is where I do a "virtual concert". This concert is all about the music currently being played pretty much non-stop at my place....a.k.a. Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock.

First, a little commentary.

There are several songs on this game that I truly LOVE.


I suppose it's only fair that there are many that I could do entirely without. Well, not so much "fair" as "painfully unfortunate for me". And, well, since it's my concert, I am under no obligation to include them here.

And I'm not.

So there.

Find them yourself if you're that interested. Here's a list of the whole shebang...

Also, I must note that I am completely stymied (and aghast) by the fact that there is not one Jimi Hendrix song on this game...not one...and I think that is an inexcusable, unforgiveable travesty that demands a little letter-writing, and we'll try to move on from there.

But for Lars Umlaut, Casey Lynch and "Lou", grab your axe with both hands and get ready to rock out, because the No Ticket Concert Series V is proud to present, Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock - The Originals!!!!



Foghat - SLOW RIDE (which I've heard about a fifty times in the last few weeks)

Pearl Jam - EVEN FLOW





The Who - THE SEEKER (German intro, English song)

Heart - BARRACUDA (One of the few up here I've seen performed live...more than once even!)

Metallica - ONE

Stevie Ray Vaughn - PRIDE AND JOY

Rolling Stones - PAINT IT BLACK


Alice Cooper - SCHOOL'S OUT



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Thursday, January 03, 2008

Why Can't I Finish This Post??? (or Wii Wish You a Merry Christmas)

I've been working on this thing for days (which translates to wii bowling, tennis and cooking) and can't seem to reign it in (plus my arms/hands are tired). That said, I'm trimming here and there (and not looking at the wii) and posting the fricken fracken thing now. Tired of it (and need to get back to the wii)!!

Our hi-tech Christmas behind us, the decorations now boxed up and stored (once again) in the basement, I wanted to share a few things as I look back over 2007 and forward into 2008.

And lest I forget, many thanks to all our generous friends who have helped make this holiday season brighter for me, D and the kidz. You guys are the best. O' course I tell ya that all the time, don't I?

Now, first, if you want more of those old school computer pics, here's a link. I ran across them and it's too close to a walk down memory lane for comfort. Maybe you guys are braver than I am. They've got some good ones, though.

I gotta say that 2007 has been a pretty good year for me. At the top of that list, my wedding last spring. Marrying D was something I did hesitantly. Not because I wasn't in love with him and vice versa, or didn't think he'd be a wonderful stepfather to my girls, but because I wasn't sure of myself.

In addition to the mounds of unconditional love, respect, support, PATIENCE and understanding he gives me, he makes me see that there is nothing I cannot do. Every single day. And believe me, there are days I need a LOT of propping up. While he doesn't always come off that way around the blogosphere, he is a genuinely nice guy with a huge heart of gold. I'm incredibly lucky to know him...even luckier to call him mine.

My eldest daughter graduated from high school (which was dicey there towards the end) and has started her freshman year at our local university. Sometimes the parallels between her life at this period and mine are entirely too real for me, but I'm happy for her, as she embarks on this part of her life, and I'm helping her as much as she'll let me. It's almost like watching her take those first baby steps nearly 17 years ago. I want her to succeed, but I'm so afraid she'll falter. I really am looking forward, though, to seeing where life takes her.

In 2007, my middle daughter got braces. A procedure we'd put off far too long for financial reasons, I'm happy to finally have this work in process. She's expected to be finished before she starts college. Cross your fingers.

We tricked Nate into moving here. We're bad like that, but we're working on it. He's been a delightful addition and has been a huge help with many, many things. Plus, also, he bought us a wii for Christmas. What's not to love?

A few bullets dodged in 2007, both of my parents' health not the least of that list. But, let's just say I'm grateful for the unexploded grenades in my life and move on.

Looking forward, I wish for peace. In my own life, as well as in the world. I wish for a national election that I can stomach. I wish for stability in my own career and in the lives of my family. I wish for the continued good health of those I hold dear. I wish for happiness for my own family and for all those I hold in my heart. Also, if it's not too much to ask, a winning lottery ticket would be good, too.

All of that said, I wanted to pass along a few links to kick off the new year.

Things like a Top Ten Worst Realtor Photo list, funny portrait studio photos with inserted captions, a weird converter that will help you learn that a male polar bear weighs as much as nine Jennifer Anniston's, or this list of amazing coincidences may be entertaining, but, believe me, I've got more.

Some of the more "helpful" links include Death Switch which is an automated system that basically ensures that passwords, bank accounts, and/or other information that may be of help to surviving loved ones is available to them, in the event of your untimely demise. Also good for that deathbed secret. Be sure you check in when prompted, though. Whew, the potential for pandemonium if you don't is outrageous. In fact, this could be a weekly reality show...

Also, here’s a link that includes 17 home remedies for bites, aches and burns. The bites aren’t likely a big problem this time of year, but the aches will make up for that. With everyone on a pretty limited budget, I thought this list could come in somewhat handy.

Are you one of the many who have to squish your sandwich to get a ball-shaped lunch? (And don't even THINK about what happens when you bring SOUP!!!)

Well, no more, now you can get Lunchballz and save yourself the trouble. A full course meal all in one convenient (and downright fun) package! Plus it's BALL SHAPED!! And didn't someone once say that round was a pretty fun shape?

Inside the ball is a protein layer, a vegetable layer, a snack layer, a dessert layer and a beverage center. MMMMM, MMMMM!!

You probably have your own list (I know I do!), but in case you need some help, Bill Maher has thrown together a list of the Biggest Dickheads of the Year. Also, the Judicial Watch's List of the Ten Most Wanted Corrupt Politicians includes far too many presidential candidates for my comfort zone. Sad, really.

The one for Tony Collett, is called Darth Vader on Acid. An art project whereby Darth Vader helmets are used as an art canvas.

Some of them really are pretty cool. So check them out if you have a minute or two.

Now, go out into the bright new year and make it a good one!! It's still fresh and everything, so try not to get a bunch of poo on it.

That goes especially for any of you folks who are in Iowa...

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Male Bashing

I'd never really advocate beating up men, but I did chuckle a little when I got this email forward today...

Menopause Jewelry

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring
the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When
I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. Dumb ass.

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